What did the gorilla wear when he was cooking in the kitchen?
An ape-ron
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
Genoa bout the bridge collapse in Italy?
Ah well, we won't go over it then.
You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
Water you doing on [date]?
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo. They get really blue.
"You're the wine that I want."
Why did the ghoul bury the trophy?
Because he wanted it engraved!
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?
You may be entitled to condensation.
Why can't you trust zebras?
Because they're convicted horse felons.
When Papa red wanted to have some toppings on his bread, he told Son red, "Pass me the crimson!"
What's the difference between Greek yogurt and regular yogurt?
Greek yogurt has a rich cultural history.
What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!
"There's no bunny like you."
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, want me to jump off this chairlift for you? 'Cause I think I could fall for you.
There are many fish in the sea but you're the only one that's caught my eye.
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Are you wi-fi? Cause I’m totally feeling a connection.
What is the hardest part about being a tree? You have so many limbs, but you still can’t walk.
Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
Is that a telescope in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.
I'm not wearing any socks. And I have the panties to match.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
I don't have a "Dad Bod"
I have a father figure.
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
What is a car’s favourite band?
Van Halen.
What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.