The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Have you seen Jake’s new custom trumpet? Yeah, that’s quite a unique horn, I’d know it anywhere.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
Nobody would ask the strawberry to go to the prom because it was past her sale by date.
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
Where do vampires go to buy their art supplies? Pencilvania.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
The fungi turned down seconds at dinner because he never had mushroom.
Is this seat saved? Because I am.
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
Sorry for not calling sooner, I was budy complaining to Spotify for not naming you the year's hottest single.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
I’m browsing the winter-net.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
My dog needed date ideas.
I told him to whine and dine her.
What time do zombies wake up?
At ate o’clock!
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
How would you describe a pun about a pun?
They're pun-ishingly bad!
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta
I would give anything to be your personal item.
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Merry.
Merry who?
Merry Christmas!
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
If you encounter a sea monster, you better get Kraken!
What do you call a pickle doctor?
A dill pusher.
A con artist is an artist who draws pictures of criminal suspects.
I only wanted a week's supply of sweets instead I got a lifetime supply because I got you.
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
Let’s make like an atom, and split.
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
Were you forged in the fires of Mount Doom? Because you're precious to me.
They say that the local baker is the breadwinner of his family. True enough.
The leech, who is good at drawing blood, applied for a job in an art gallery.
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.