Why did the volleyball player get thrown out of the party? He spiked the punch.
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts.
Sorry, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You’re making the other girls look bad.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
Take an Avonleap of faith and go on a date with me!
I yam always very happy to eat sweet potatoes.
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
Why will you not want to give a bath to the Saturn? It would then leave a ring around the tub.
Why did the Turkey want to join a band?
Because it had drumsticks!
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other. Retards
What is a ghoul’s favorite snack food?
Ghoul scout cookies!
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
What do dog scientists to with their bones?
They barium.
Would they get two minutes for tripping?
Not if they spliff the defence.
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt
I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.
I must have left on Data Roman.
Baby, you're so hot it's got to be at least Fahrenheit 451 in here.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
What’s the spiciest way to clean a horse?
With a curry comb.
I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.
With conjunctions, you and I can be together.
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball?
A home run.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic.
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
The next round the wolf showed up at the butchery, he was arrested. This is because he was being tracked by the police for chop lifting.
What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.
I like Ronaldo, But I'd like to get Messi.
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.
How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
Driving a truck carrying cutlery is easy – as soon as you see the fork in the road, you know you’re there.
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.