Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.
I was in diss-gust.
I made a snap decision to watch football today
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian...
Then Soviet
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
Why don't potatoes go to parties?
They're scared of the Monster Mash.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
After hearing about my history major, my dad said, “You should go visit Italy in late August.Then you can witness The Fall of Rome."
"It's not me, it's you!"
Did you hear about the keyboard that lost it's Period Key?
He was missing the point.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
What did the deer say to his sulky friend?
“Buck up!”
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
I tried to make it to the end of the rainbow but didn't due to lilac of effort.
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
Knock, knock
Who’s There?
Annie
Annie Who?
Annie thing you can do, I can do better.
Well, I have to say I am William-pressed with you
I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
Girl, you must be blue because you’re the hottest star around right now.
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...
Can you give me directions…to your heart?
What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?
I want hue
Baby, you're so sweet you'd put Hershey's out of business!
Does anything come after April A?
May B!
You’re the tater to my tot. I miss you a lot!
Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.
It's a Thor subject for them.
What is a mouse’s favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Yes, it is February 14th
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
Why was the picture of the dog sent to jail?
Because it was framed.
Went on a walk today. Had a couple of crows following me around. I'm pretty sure I have the corvid.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
Are avocados good for your heart?
Yes, they make for great avo-cardio.
What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's out of business. And, speaking of Hershey's, how about a kiss?
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-Mates!
Call me a pirate and give me that booty.