The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
Why don’t fish play basketball?
Because they're afraid of the net.
What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
What happens when you turn on a computer?
You turn it's floppy disk into a hard disk.
Grasshoppers do not fancy soccer matches because most of them prefer cricket matches.
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
Jameson on St. Patrick’s Day? It’s worth a shot.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.
Ingenious iguanas improvising an intricate impromptu on impossibly-impractical instruments.
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
What do you call a thriller movie involving cars?
Suspension movie.
Looking at the sediment grain size scale, it looks like you’re finer than silt.
I cannoli have eyes for you.
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
What do you call a group of chickens clucking in unison?
A Hensemble.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses? uthinkhesawrus
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
Hi, Santa said you wished for me. Good choice.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.
Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
Why don't you want to sleep in the sheep pen?
It would be total bedlam!!
What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.
What is the call of a Spanish speaking owl?
Quién...Quién.
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
What did the tree tell the drill? You bore me.
Apparently Dracula sets up a password for every website so he can click on Your Account.
I want you for no raisin.
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
I'd drink your bathwater.
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died
but he has been lawn gone.
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
Have you ever worked in a hotel?
Then why are you checking me out?