I went to the zoo the other day and saw an alligator that will only eat finely chopped food.
It was an alligrator.
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Wow. You sure are excited to see me!
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
Are you the dog? Because your shit’s all over the lawn.
What do ghouls eat for supper? Spooketi
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
What kind of dog sniffs out flowers?
A bud hound.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
Are you from Mars? ‘cuz I wanna explore you with curiosity?
Have you seen the gators on skateboards, they are great alli-skaters.
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
I always like to keep a jar of peanut butter in the car when I travel on a busy freeway ...
just in case there’s a traffic jam.
Corona virus is just like pasta.
The Chinese invented it but the Italians will spread it all over the world.
How do rabbits travel? By hareplane.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale.
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
Why couldn’t anyone get a job at the ice rink?
There was a hiring freeze.
What's the tastiest part of a floppy disk?
The cookie!
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
"If it's meant to be it's meant to be....but just to be clear it isn't."
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.
What did one cherry say to the other cherry? If you weren't so tasty we wouldn't be in this jam.
Wanna go out sometime? I’d consider it an Er-win if you said yes.
What does a birthday cake and a baseball team have in common?
They both need good batters.