What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
Why did they take Polly away?
He went crackers!
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
Why was the crow on the telephone wire? To make a long-distance caw.
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
Sip, sip, horray!
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Cowboom.
What’s another popular Christmas song that baby koalas like to sing? “Joey to the World”, of course!
What do pigs learn in the army? Ham to ham combat.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.
What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand.
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
Old astronomers got so tired of waiting for the sun to go down, that they decided to pack it up and call it a day.
Why did the two puns go to camp together?
They wanted to be pun-kmates!
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
What did the flower say to the flower next to him? Move over bud!
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
Everyone wondered why Cinderella was such a bad player. If only they knew, her coach was a pumpkin.
You asked me what love was and I did not know how to answer it. Now I know it's a feeling that can not be mastered.
Where did the Adansonia tree go to get a quick trim? To the baobarber.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
What do you call a koala with a negative attitude? The bearer of bad news.
Why are flamingos such good patients?
They’re used to wading.
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison
Are you my voice? Because I don’t want to lose you.
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.
I just tossed a penny into the fountain, want to make my wish come true?
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
People are always amazed by the skilled tattoo artists in Spain
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
Do you have a mirror in your pocket?
Why, because you can see yourself in my pants?
No, because I wanted to check how I look before I hit on your hot friend.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.