I bought a bunny because everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
Q: What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
What does the mouse say to its mate? "Were like crackers and cheese"
Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.
Girl, are you fries? Because I would like you at my side.
I love you deerly.
It says right here that this frozen pizza is enough for two.
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
I hate scuba diving.
It was the lowest moment of my life.
What is a cow’s favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna.
You’re so beautiful even the leaves fall for you.
Hey baby, you’ve captured my eye. Could I have it back?
Why do toadstools grow so close to each other? They do not need mushroom to grow.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
Whats the distant cousin of the werewolf?
The way over therewolf.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
"On cloud wine."
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
Who do you call a pig who can paint like a great artist? Pablo PIGcaso.
What all kinds of stars wear the sunglasses? The movie stars.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
What do you call a monkey who can’t keep a secret?
A blab-boon.
What crosswords do zombies like?
Crypt-ic ones.
What made the computer so smart?
Because he listened to his motherboard!
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
What do you get when you cross a cat and a sloth? A slow leopard.
How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
"Hey there, hop stuff."
If you can tell me the difference between Flag Day and the 4th of July, I will buy you a drink.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
What is most gorillas' favorite book to study in English class at high school?
The Apes Of Wrath.
Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they’re in black and white.
Republicans Turned Off By Size Of Obama’s Package
Which hotel do mice most often use?
The Stilton.
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."
Life's a beach. Enjoy the waves.
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”