How do mares keep track of their boyfriends?
A stud book.
What do you say when you are happy with how life has been weeks before Easter? It’s so far been an egg-cellent spring.
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
Are you a cat? Because you're purrrrrfect.
I meditate about you. Will you do the same too?
Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
"Don’t be elfish," said momma elf to her son. "Share with your sister."
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat.
One got pissed.
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
A man and his wife are playing Dungeons and Dragons together...
During the man's turn, he rolls his D20 and rolls a 1. Simultaneously, he stubs his toe against the table leg so hard that his toe essentially falls off. Blood everywhere. The wife has to rush them both to the ER.
She's waiting.
She's waiting...
The doctor emerges, and the wife rushes over. "How is my husband? What's his condition?"
The doctor replies: "Critical, miss."
Why do some zombies only eat the rich?
They are in the mood for something gore-met.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
I was going to tell you a joke about an egg but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
What do trees write on? Loose leaf paper.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
What do you get if you cross a talking parrot with a gorilla?
I am not sure but if he says something you better damn well listen.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
The hiker hated the top of the mountain because it was all downhill from there!
If you were a basketball, I'd never pass because I want to keep you all to myself.
The interesting the about engineering Toilet Paper.
It's an a-ply-ed science.
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.
Are you a pharmacist? Because I am a patient and I heard you are patient lovers.
Gold riddance.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Caesar.
Caesar who?
Caesar quick, she’s running away.
What do you call a mosquito with a turbo?
A bug-hati.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
What Do You Call A Cat That Swallows A Duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-pus
What did the Little Mermaid say to Triton before she left?
- If you need me, call me on my shell.
How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.
Dr. Phil says that I am afraid of a commitment. Do you want to prove him wrong?
Basketball players at times get athletes foot. Come to think of it, it is like the missle toe astronauts get.
What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.
How do you know flowers are friendly?
They always have new buds!
I'm cold just thinking about Canada. Let's cuddle.
I always find artists romantic because when they love you, they do it with all their art.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
I met a girl that owned three french-fry factories. I was impressed but to her it was just small potatoes.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.