There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
My son wanted a pet spider but they're to expensive.
I told him I'll get him one off the web.
Famous mermaid saying: Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
Miners Refuse To Work After Death
Hey, let me take you out on a first date in the snow - I promise I'm not a flaky person.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
Will you Scarlett me take you out this weekend?
What did the tree say after someone hit it? We should really call the copse.
I have to pay for a bus ticket?
I guess it's only fare
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
You can take me home tonight, but only if Yuletide-y up your place.
Do you breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.
What does a bee use to brush it's hair ?
A Honeycomb.
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
Why didn’t the skeleton play football?
His heart wasn’t in it.
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
What do you call a group of chickens clucking in unison?
A Hensemble.
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
I'd got to bat for you, babe.
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.
What did the carrot say to the rabbit? Do you want to grab a bite?
The art teacher encourages her students to move in the light direction.
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
What did the brick road say on thanksgiving?
Cobble cobble cobble!
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
I've only got three months to live.
Looks like we’re Taylor made for each other
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”