Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Hatch
Hatch who?
God bless you!
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
Don’t give into beer pressure.
Why did the mathematician work from home?
Because he could only function in his domain.
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
What does a hunter do with a basketball?
He shoots it.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
I lost my cat in a snowstorm!
But he should be fine because he's a cool cat.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
I'm no photographer but I can picture us together.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
Nice legging. Are you making a fashion statement? Because you got my attention.
What do you call an ant with big hair?
Bouff-ant.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
My skate blade is not the only thing made of steel.
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
What happens if an elf catches you being naughty?
Yule be sorry!
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!
Knock Knock
Who's There?
I eat grape.
I eat grape who?
You eat grey poo!
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
What does a dolphin say when he’s confused?
Can you please be more Pacific?
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
How is it that elephants are always ready for a swim?
They never forget their trunks!
You must have been born in Pearl Harbor, because baby you da bomb.
What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer.
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
Our love started with a Hershey’s Kiss.
A snapping turtle is a turtle that takes up pgotography.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.