When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
I asked a panda if he was my friend.
He said, “Just bearly”.
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.
My girlfriend was seasoning the soup. I asked, "What spice is that?", and she replied "Sage".
I said, "Sounds wise".
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
Are you the optic chiasm because you turned my world around.
Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.
What’s Frankenstein’s favorite food?
Frankenfurters.
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
What do you call it when a truck of tortoises crashes into an aquarium?
A turtle disaster.
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
Some people have to stop telling meat puns, because they simply butcher every single joke.
Can I be your next varietal?
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
Why did the bat break up with her girlfriend?
She thought she was a pain in the neck.
How about we skip the hors d oeuvres and head straight for the digestif?
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
"Slicing Salami"
The strangest, strange stranger I met in my life
was the man who made use of his nose like a knife.
He’d slice up salami, tomatoes, and cheese
at the tip of his nose with phenomenal ease.
He’d buy food in bulk at incredible prices
and then use his nose to reduce it to slices.
His wife ran away and I know that he’ll miss her.
The woman was frightened that one day he’d kiss her!
– Denise Rodgers
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
Some bunny loves you.
What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson when he noticed sandstone deposits on the river bank? "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
I just wanted to make a good frost impression.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
My partner got mad when she found so much spam on my computer.
She said, "Food belongs on a plate!"
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
My love for you is as crazy as mad cow disease.
A potato gave a gift to his girlfriend.She said, “Aww, why are you so sweet? ”He said, “It’s just the
way I yam.”
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.
My wife and my friends are sick of my puns about The Abominable Snowman.
Yeti keep cracking them.
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
What kind of shoes do mice wear? Squeakers.
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.
You radiate in the shortest wavelengths I’ve ever encountered.
They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.
Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.
What's more impressive than a talking fish?
A spelling bee.