I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white?
Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
What do you call two pears?
A pair.
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?
Absent-tea parent.
Are you a stop watch? Because our time is up.
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
You're a beluga in this sea of cod.
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
We’ll have a ball.
If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?
How is a pig’s tail like 4 o’clock in the morning? It’s twirly.
Live to tell the tail.
There was a vampire named Vlad
The Village all thought he was bad
But the true story
Just wasn't gory
It turns out Vlad was just sad.
what does Stalin use to wipe his mouth?
A Soviette.
The company is planning to make a new series to show people how to fly an aeroplane. They are now filming the pilot.
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty-second pause, I asked, "You still there, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now"
What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo.
I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.
What's a fetus's favorite craft?
Embryoidery.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
Baby, you’re like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems.
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
Why did Iron Man sleep outside when it rained?
To get some rust.
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
How do baseball players stay in contact with each other?
They touch base every once in a while.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
What do you call a group of cows that are on top of a hill? High steaks.
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.
What's the difference between Cloepatra and King Arthur?
One had Camelot and one had a lot of camels.
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber? Your number.
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Alfie
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you leave!
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
What did the storm drain say when it learnt it'd be getting a new cover?
That's just grate.
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott