That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
What is a seals favorite subject?
Art Art Art Art!
Don’t ask me for any tree puns.
Acacia haven’t noticed I’m all out.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite track and field event?
The curdles.
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
My apologies for not flirting, I'm trying to seduce you with my awkwardness.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
Your name must be Lucky Charms because you’re magically delicious!
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? "If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
Hey there cyclist, I'll be your mechanic if you'll be my ride.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
Chuck berry was undoubtedly the greatest rock and roll strawberry.
What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
I think you've got something in your eye. Oh never mind, it's just a sparkle.
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
Do you know what's on the menu tonight, girl?
Me 'n' U.
"I'm eggs-hausted."
Can you teach me how to use this machine?
What is a ghoul’s favorite snack food?
Ghoul scout cookies!
What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!
Your presence gives meaning to my yoga practice and enlightenment.
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
Are you Darth Vader, because I wouldn't mind if you used a little force to choke me.
"Happy eggster."
To me, you’re just like hydrogen because you’re number 1!
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
After the Moroccan scored a Hat-trick, the players gathered for the fez-off.
You are my density!
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown