"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
The Doris locked, why do you think I'm knocking?
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
It’s allergy season again?! You’ve got to be pollen my leg.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
This guy walks into the doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
Are you a defibrillator? Because you are sending shocks to my heart.
Honey, are you a drummer? Because you can make my heart skip a beat.
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
Hey babe do you need crutches? Cause I can’t stand you anymore.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.
I think I might become an astronomer because I’m very fascinated with Uranus
What do you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and staring at potatoes? A medi-tator.
When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
Why did the boy soon stop trying to grab the mountain fog? Because he always mist.
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
Dublin’ the fun.
What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
It won’t be long now.
Hey girl, I heard God called you.
Can I do the same?
What do you call a thirsty camel ?
A dry humper.
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.
There's a group of girls that love vampires at my school. I really want to join their fang club.
You couldn't cut the s*xual tension in here with a Yellowknife.
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
Why was the glow worm unhappy ?
Because her children weren’t that bright !
What is a ghoul’s favorite snack food?
Ghoul scout cookies!
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
I like playing chess with old people in the park, but it gets hard to find 32 of them each time.
How about we drop the gloves and go at it?
Why was the horse such a good dancer?
It perfected its halturn.
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
What do you call a giant mushroom? Hu-fungus.
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
Girl, are you my Spotify playlist? ‘Cuz I wanna listen to you all day long.
What is a fairy’s favorite drink?
Sprite.
Mmm, these honey samples are so mouthwatering.
What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.