Did you expect to laugh at puns?
No, but they've groan on me!
Where are koalas taken when they die? To an ancient bearial site.
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
Well… I gotta de-Clara, I think I’ve just fallen in love.
What did the baby rabbit say before his favorite holiday? I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny to visit.
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
I'm a proverbs 32 kind of guy and you're a proverbs 31 kinda woman.
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
Check your shelf before you wreck your shelf.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
It wasn't til I studied Spanish as an adult that learned Spain discovered Canada.
As our teacher explained it, the first maps said "Acá, nada."
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A cloud!
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
What goes inside elves’ pointy shoes?
Their mistletoes.
What do you call a giant that's good at football?
Goaliath.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.
Why did Frankenstein’s monster give up boxing?
Because he didn’t want to spoil his looks.
You're like my tea: Hot and British!
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
How do rainbows sleep? In forty pinks.
What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.
I'm an endurance athlete. Think you can stand the HIIT?
What did the mountain say to the hill on Valentine's day?
You make my heart gush, I lava you.
You’re unbeleafable.
Did you see the glitch earlier? You weren’t listed as the top hottest single.
Why is corn popular around Halloween?
Because it’s so earie.
You can fix a broken strawberry with a strawberry patch.
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
What is a fairy’s favorite drink?
Sprite.
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ike.
Ike who?
Ike can rock your world, baby.
I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"
Not all math puns are bad.
Just sum.
What does it take to become a zombie?
Dead-ication.
How should you greet a Ghost? - Long time, no see.
What is a good place for bat jokes?
A public bat room.
When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!
(Santhini Govindan)