In the mushroom bus, one mushroom said to the other, "Please scoot over, there is not mush room."
If I’d give you eleven roses, what would you see in the mirror? A dozen roses.
Have a gneiss day! This is one of the simplest rock puns, but it is certainly a gneiss way to start your day out right!
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
What was the pumpkin's favorite sport?
Squash.
The satellite went into the orbit, right on January 1st, causing a New Year’s revolution.
Why would a cow want to go to space? To see the Milky Way.
I recently bought my grandson a vegetable-themed pogo stick exclusively made from spring onions.
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
Many people think that the Abominable Snowman doesn't exist...
Yeti does.
Who’s the penguin’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt-Arctica.
You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
What always succeeds? A toothless parrot! (sucks seeds)
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
"That was a howling adventure!" said the werewolf to the zombie.
What happens when you make love on a couch?
It becomes a sectional.
Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
Are you a banana because I find you a peeling.
What bee is most indecisive?
A May bee!
My kid asked why I named our WiFi "ship"?
But that's how everything syncs.
What is a cat lover's favourite tree?
A juni-purr.
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
That was ruff.
How did the horse solve a murder?
Compiled newspaper clippings.
Why does NASA give astronauts pencils to use in space?
Because they've got the Write Stuff.
Want to start a Hula band that covers music by Poison.
Gonna call it Poi, Son.
Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
---
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
Knock Knock
Who’s there Justin Justin who? Justin time to make the donuts!
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.
Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
What does a flower say when they’re surprised?
What in carnation!