Why did the sapling jump in the ocean? He wanted to swim with the manatrees.
What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
Don't even chai.
Why don't boats have funerals?
They have wakes.
Never believe minotaurs...
Half of everything they say is bull.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
what do you need to have proper grammar?
a proper grampar.
So tell me Ian, what’s the most Ian-teresting thing about you?
Why did the detectives suddenly appear at the concert at the beach?
Something fishy was going on.
Why is milk taller than you?
Because it's always pasteurize
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
My blind friend did LSD for the first time...
There was a lot more tripping than usual.
What do you call a werewolf with a fever?
A hot dog.
Why are trees so silly? All of their puns arboring and acorny.
When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet?
When it’s not raining.
You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
If you get married out on sea or in a boat...
is that a row-mance?
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
What martial art do monkeys practice?
Flung Poo.
"Some bunny loves you."
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
What kind of cats love to go bowling? Alley cats!
What did the squirrel say when his tail got caught in the door?
...It won’t be long now!
What did the father squirrel tell his son?
Acorny joke.
I can score more often than the average soccer player.
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
Hey, does this handkerchief smell like CHCl3?
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.
A strawberry who is a thief is called a rob-berry
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
Who’s at the door?
It’s snowbody.
What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?
A seahorse.