How can astronauts get more protein in their diet? They make it meteor.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
The best gift I ever got was a broken drum...
You can't beat it.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
We should make like the Soviet Union and split up.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
If you cross a bee and a lizard, you'll get a blizzard!
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
What kind of blanket has the most patience?
A weighted blanket.
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
Beavers are the best at getting things done on riverbanks. They have their own waves of working.
"It's wine o'clock."
Can I hold your hand?
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
I wish you were on the football team because I'd love to see your backfield in motion.
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.
Opening a new shadow puppet theatre. Business plan says we'll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
Why do bee keepers have beautiful eyes?
Because they hold bees. (Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder)
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
Knife and a fork bottle and a cork
that is the way you spell New York.
Chicken in the car and the car can go,
that is the way you spell Chicago.
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
What do a dog and a cell phone have in common?
They both have collar ID.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
Excuse me, do you have a pen?
Then you'd better get back to it before the farmer notices you're gone.
She sells seashells by the seashore.
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.
That elliptical isn't the only thing getting my heart rate up…
Why did Italy surrender in WW2?
Because Italics aren't bold.
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
Hey girl, are you looking for your knight in shining armor?
Well I just happen to be wearing the full armor of God.
I tried to milk my cow last night, but nothing I did seemed to work. It was an udder failure.
Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter!
Is your Wi-Fi on because I can feel a very strong connection with you?
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
I had an art contest with my friend.
It ended in a draw.
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen