“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.
He's over the moon!He's over the moon!
"Darling, you're on fire. Like doughnut grease."
- Duck Dynasty
I’ve heard of fraudsters before, but that was one heck of a unique-con if I ever saw one.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
Checked into a hotel and was offered the black & white or the rainbow room. I chose the rainbow one as I like a room with a hue.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
I saw the chicken quickly crossing the basketball court? Then I remembered that the referee was blowing fowls.
The good pony apologized to the tiger at the zoo for his sore throat, he said: "I am sorry, I am a little horse."
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
I’ve learned that milk promotes beauty. But how much have you been drinking so far?
Santa’s whiskey was much too hearty,
It seems he was a bit of a smarty;
The last day of October,
He is clearly not sober,
He’s wound up at a Halloween party.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
Did you invent the airplane? Because you seem Wright for me!
Were you a member of the Boy Scouts? You’ve tangled up my heart.
A photon turns up at check-in for a flight with no baggage. The check-in agent says "Traveling light?". He says "Yes, I am".
Sorry lady, I'll have to eat you after dinner.
Because you're a snack!
What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.
What did the confused cat say? I’m purr-plexed!
How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
When I said "God, Thank you for this delicious noodle soup", my dad said "Ramen".
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
Why can you never trust an artist? Because they are a bit sketchy, a little shady and will always try to frame you.
Why do Minotaurs make terrible detectives?
Because they hate to go on steak-outs!
Why aren't there more Bigfoot jokes?
There are, but they're really hard to find!
If I kissed you on one cheek, would you turn the other?
What do you call twin baby kangaroos?
Roo-mMates!
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
A little less fight and a little more spark, close your mouth and open your heart.