Q. What's on display at the Canadian Moose Museum?
A. Mod deer 'n art.
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
Mother always knows best. But when winter comes around, Mother Nature snows best.
Why do ghouls like ice cream?
Because it’s ghoulilicous!
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!
A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam
She passed.
Girl, you must be a possessive pronoun because I think you're mine.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
My dog recently joined a gang. Now he’s all about that pug-life.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
My ex-girlfriend is like the square root of -1,.... she's imaginary.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
Why can't you trust zebras?
Because they're convicted horse felons.
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
Why did the obtuse Triangle go to the beach?
Because it was more than 90°.
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
You’d better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
What is a vampire who loves eating strawberry jam called? A jampire.
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
What do you call someone who lost her Marital arts tournament?
Divorced.
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
Experts suggest that the crows flying beak first into windows at a horrifying speed comit a murder suicide.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.
What do you think they use in space, when they run out of the drinking cups? The Big Dipper.
What did the flower do when she was challenged?
Rose to the occasion.
I read dead people.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.
My two cats had a fight today.
They soon hissed and made up though.
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
What do you call fifty-five gnomes in the mouth of a kraken?
A good start.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.