I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
Did you hear about the aquarium owner?
His shark was worse than his pike.
Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?
They dribble all the time.
It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
The bowl of soup you bought yesterday from the Chinese restaurant was souper terrible.
Why was the crow upset about his job? The HR fired the crow with no caws.
Your skin is smoother than the finest panna cotta.
My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.
If I walked a milimeter for everytime I thought of you, I would have walked across the Earth a million times.
"Dying to have fun."
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
I chucked my phone into a very deep lake.
Somehow it's still syncing.
What does an obstinate piglet always say to his mama?
“Sow what?”
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
Why do the French eat snails? They dislike fast food.
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
Hey girl, do you ref during the playoffs? Cause you look like you can swallow a whistle.
An owl had a sore throat but wasn't bothered.
He couldn't give a hoot.
Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
You and the sun have one thing in common. You are both radiant.
What kind of jokes do skeletons tell?
Humerus ones.
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973
I like New York, unique New York, I like unique New York.
Did you know Def Leppard's drummer makes the best Thanksgiving guest?
He only ever needs one drumstick.
What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
What do you call the Tooth Fairy in a lamp?
A Hygenie.
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
Hey baby, I just found out our shirts were manufactured in unfair working conditions; let's take them off.
I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees.
I think she's a keeper
Are you a fire alarm? because you are really freaking loud and annoying
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
How do werewolves eat lunch?
They wolf it down.
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
Me without you is like the Easter egg hunt without the Easter Eggs.
I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.
On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.
On the other hand, you don't.
What do you call royal pineapple? Your pine-ness.