What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.

I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.

Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.

There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.

What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.

Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bruce
Bruce who?
I Bruce easily, don't hit me!

Volcanoes are rude! They are always int-erupt-ing.

What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.

I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."

In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.

My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!

As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.

What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.

How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.

Why is corn popular around Halloween?
Because it’s so earie.

"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"

If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.

– Shel Silverstein

"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.

“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley

In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder

Which dinosaur can't stay out of the rain? A Stegosaur-rust

What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.

Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.

You have me greening from ear to ear.

“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown

“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb

Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm

(Anonymous)

What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!

A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.
The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!

“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams

"Maybe this is not the right time for us"

I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."

Hi, my name's Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?

You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.

Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”

What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.

Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.

You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.

When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.

Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”

You are such a perfect arrangement of atoms.

What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.

My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”

What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.

Permission to board?

The guy missed both his serves on match point. I won by de-fault.

My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.

Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!

After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."

Are you enjoying your sweet potatoes this Thanksgiving?
I know I yam!