There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea.
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
Are you a photographer? Because I grin every time, I see you.
The best place for a ghost to go on holiday is The Dead Sea.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
Hey beautiful! Your face is like a moon. Always glowing.
Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.
I'd like to get you wet. At least long enough to get you back to the ocean.
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
Icy what you did there!
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams
You'd make for some real smooth sailing
How do you get down from a tree? You can’t because down comes from ducks.
When the past, present, and future go camping they always argue. It's intense tense in tents.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
Baby, have you been eating your Campbell's soup? Because you are looking Mmm, Mmm good!
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.
Hey girl! Let me orbit around you.
Do you know a bakery around? Because I would like to purchase a sweet like you.
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.
I would love to live in Yorkshire, because it Leeds me to your heart.
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
Why did the fish cross the road?
The chicken had the days off!
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.