Have you guys heard of the musical group called Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.
Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you’re hot!
I loaf you a lot.
Let’s go to bread.
“What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s Workshop? A rebel without a Claus.”
If I told you you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
Why do cows have no money?
Because farmers milk them dry.
My cat just cut the grass.
She's a lawn meower.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
What's the hardest tea to swallow?
Reality.
Gobbling gargoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
Halloween is over. Why are you still dressed as an angel?
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
"My cat doesn't like you."
You're about half as likely to die from a vegetable pun as you artichoke.
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Did you know you look good in short pants?
Crows go to get their shopping at Cawst Co.
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
I'm having a sale in my bedroom. My clothes are 100% off.
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
Do you like bananas or blueberries?
I want to know what kind of pancakes to make in the morning.
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
Do you have a mirror in your pocket?
Why, because you can see yourself in my pants?
No, because I wanted to check how I look before I hit on your hot friend.
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
Why are two parrots better than one? One parrot can't carry a coconut, but toucan!
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
Why did the baseball team recruit a tiny ghost?
Because they needed a little team spirit.
Did you know that old bowlers do not die? They simply end up in gutters.
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
Which ancient Greek Philosopher had a foot fetish?
Play-toe.
Or was it Sock-rates?
What did the trees wear when they went to a pool party? Swimming trunks.
Which cow has great pickup lines? A cow which is smooth as milk.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.