What is the best way to make gold soup? By adding 22 carrots in it.
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
What is a strawberry that likes to spin called? A berry-go-round.
What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
Is this the bus stop?
Because I'm here to pick you up!
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
Cherries go all out when they go to festivals. You’ll probably see loads of them, running around in pie-dyed shirts.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
What did the bus driver say to the frog?
Hop on.
Don't get caught elvesdropping on Santa!
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
The strawberry was very good at racing because he was always juiced up before a race.
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him?
The Bartender.
Why is Basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat?
A dirty kid!
Why are spiders such great volleyball players? Because they have an amazing topspin.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.
What’s the easiest way to catch fish? Have someone throw it at you!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Oswald.
Oswald who?
Oswald my bubble gum!
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
Some people say popcorn is hard to chew. There’s a kernel of truth to that.
Why was the pun a bad comedian?
He never got the pun-chline right!
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
I can love you more than a cowboy loves a fat calf.
If H20 is water, then what is H204? It’s for drinking, washing and swimming, of course!
The bartender told the ghost they don't serve spirits after midnight.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
What’s the difference between a dog and a gator?
A dog’s bark is worse than its bite.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
What do you call a kangaroo in Africa?
Lost.
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
It was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
What do you call a storm that doesn't come to fruition?
A mist opportunity!
My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.
Don't get tide down this summer. 'Tis the season for having fun.
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers