Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum
Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.
What do you do with a green ghoul?
Wait until it ripens!
Why was there lightning and thunder in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.
How do you trap a drum kit?
Use a snare
What do you call an overweight alien?
An extra cholesterol.
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
[Chicken] We’re serving this during the game, so you might call it a live ball fowl.
Are you from Sheffield? Because you’re steeling my heart.
Tennis matches and strawberry jam have one thing in common. Cons-serve.
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?
His name was Only One Cannoli.
What does a deer do when it gets to its friend’s house?
Rings the deer bell.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
What do flowers study in college?
STEM.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!
After a long March, April always puts a little spring in my step.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
Have you seen the gators on skateboards, they are great alli-skaters.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them
What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.
I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.
I was in shambles.
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.
Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
Because they always get Lost at C (Sea).
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
What did Mars tell to Saturn? Give me a ring sometime!
A captain was barking at his crew. "What do you think is between yer ears!?"
"Eye Eye, Captain!"
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
Why wasn’t the dog a smooth talker?
Because he couldn’t stop saying “ruff ruff”.
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
I cannot espresso
how much you mean to me.
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
What did the elf tell its friends when they were traveling?
"Let’s take an elfie."
What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
I am terrified of people who urinate quietly.
After all, all psychos have a silent p.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”