Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.
A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
Why should anyone experiment with thin ice?
It’s the best way to achieve a major breakthrough.
What kind of turkey grows on a tree? Poultry.
Sorry, I've lost my number.
May I get yours?
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
Even if injuries end it prematurely, Paul's had a good Kariya.
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
Why was the bus musician so excited? He just got a 'ride-ing' ovation!
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
I find my core strength in you.
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.
What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
What's the ghoul's favorite sauce?
Grave-y.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.
What do you call a polar bear in Florida?
A solar bear.
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table? She was hogging the food.
Knock knock!
Who is there?
Beaver
Beaver who?
Be-ware of the turbulent river.
"If I win, I get to take you home. If you win, you can come home with me."
- Trees Lounge (1996)
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
“You’re my soul Santa.”
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
What did the cat say when something bad happened? That’s un-fur-tunate!