What do you call a pickle from the southern backwoods.
A hill-dilly.

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Just in the neighborhood, thought I would drop by.

What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?

What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!

If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.

I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.

Goldilocks was killed last night.
The killers did it with their own bear hands.

Baby, you're so sweet you'd put Hershey's out of business!

So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."

Why was the weightlifter upset?
She worked with dumbbells.

Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

What do you call a mouse with no balls?
Optical.

How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.

“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell

What did the owl’s valentine say?
You are hootiful.

What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.

Which animal can hibernate while standing on its head?
Yoga Bear.

Cutest clover in the patch.

How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped

On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith

What's more amazing than a talking turkey? A spelling bee!

What do you call a owl dance party that only plays folk music?
A hootenanny.

Which author is anxious to write the book: Colorado Rockies, World Series Champs?
Ben Whayten.

Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
Abraham. He knew a Lot.

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.

All these years of technological developments and I still haven’t seen a colour photo of a zebra.

I think I’m developing tics. I just can’t help but wink at you.

Why can I not make jokes about the recent attacks in France?
Because jokes are all about execution.

What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.

My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.

Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!

A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called the SWAT team.

How is cat food sold? Usually, purr can!

Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.

Crabgrass in my lawn is always fighting to prevent good grass seed from rooting...
Guess you could say I'm caught in the middle of a turf war

Are you a lover of magic tricks? Pass me a paper and watch my number appear on it.

My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.

“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn

What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.

"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke

What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.

What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.

Dear Dog

You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose

My Gourd, Autumn is so fall of herself!

She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup

Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north

Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon

Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book

Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg

(Mike Gentile)

How does the cell phone call his girlfriend on Valentine's Day? He gives her a ring.

I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.

“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain

I just had to tell you. Your beauty made me truly appreciate being able to see.

When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.