The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.
What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.
Why was the piglet whining.
He was boared out of his brains.
I’ve been looking for you, and I hope you’re as sweet as jelly beans.
What dog does Dracula own?
A blood-hound.
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
What kind of dog keeps everything they own?
A hoarder collie.
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
I loved the soup that they served at the local restaurant yesterday. It was simply pho-nomenol.
What did the dolphin do to the woman who was rude to it?
Flipper off!
What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.
Well, there are mixed reviews. People say the food is great. But there is no atmosphere or ambience.
Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?
Because he wouldn't beehive.
What crosswords do zombies like?
Crypt-ic ones.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.
"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"
"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.
"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'
"So here I am."
More candles means a bigger wish!
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?
- Paul Curtis
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber?
Can I get your phone number?
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
Wow Avery, love the name. Makes sense since you are Avery beautiful girl.
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
Thanks to you, I’m saddled with unnecessary peelings.
What did the grouchy mushroom say to the loud mushroom? - Put a cap on it.
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
What's red and has 7 dents in it?
Snow white's cherry!
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
Do you find bone puns humerus?
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney