I’m so adjective, I verb noun.
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
Which superstar has a nose for the puck? Mario the Magsniffascent.
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
Why was the dog chasing his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.
Why did the mouse eat a candle?
For some light refreshment!
To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A bear-faced lyre.
Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
Just received Areal Flood Advisory notification on my phone
I should hope it's a real one, the fake ones are just annoying.
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
I have no idea how you can look so great pre-coffee.
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.
What do flowers study in college?
STEM.
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can I worm my way in to your house!
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
I am glad my mobile phone has GPS because I am totally getting lost in your beautiful eyes.
A lion would never cheat on its wife.
But a Tiger wood.
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
What do you call it when your nose is stuffy at the rodeo?
Cowboy Boogie.
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
Wanna go explore some celestial bodies together?
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
There’s a big thunderstorm. The road is blocked by a big mudslide. A little boy asks his dad, “Why does earth fall down like that?”
His dad answers, “It’s terrain.”
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
"No sun."
What noise does a gorilla’s doorbell make?
King Kong
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police stop telling these awful knock-knock jokes!
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
Cute dog in your pics! Can I have his number?
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule.
What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Let’s make like a banana and split.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up, it’s cold out here!