This may be corny, but you are a-maize-ing.

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime

"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."

- Bob Hope

Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.

My theater group is writing a sci-fi thriller about classical musicians.
I'll be Bach.

Would you like to come to my place and light my Yule log?

What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called? Ptera Don

Are you a parking ticket? Because you're evidence that I made a mistake.

If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.

If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.

If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.

If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.

All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.

(By Beryl L Edmonds)

What did the bat complain about?
Flying with such frequency was exhausting.

My pants are approaching escape velocity.

Why did the cat decide to sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!

What do you call 144 kangaroos in a box?
Gross.

Why are there so many ruts in the ice at the rink?
The maintenance crew must be slipping up.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

A certain Leafs right-winger was sued by the Louisiana government. He was
Owen N'awlins.

You're just my cup of tea!

Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!

Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!

...

People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!

(Charles E. Carryl)

Unlike the Leafs, I will never let you down.

What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.

"Yoda one for me."

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who?
Europe early this morning!

Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.

My mum makes the best soups. She is a real soup-erstar.

How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.

Are you a keyboard ? Because you are my type.

Why will you not want to give a bath to the Saturn? It would then leave a ring around the tub.

Why are Siberian tigers so happy at Christmas time? Because it is snowy, and they get to look like white tigers.

My game is just like Alexander Keith's: "Those who like it, like it a lot."

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.

On a keyboard, nothing is under control.

There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”

My love for you burns stronger than my urinary tract infection.

How can you tell that the ocean is friendly? It waves!

"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."

- Cindy Garner.

What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.

“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”

Hey girl, are you a faulty French press because I’d like to be burned by you and recall you afterward.

Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.

If Smart water were actually smart…
Then why did it get bottled?

“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis

Why was the glow worm unhappy ?
Because her children weren’t that bright !

George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...
Careless Swissper.

What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop

Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.

What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.

“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”

- John J. Plomp.

Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.

What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!