“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
You can call me Jonah.
Because I'm going to show you a whale of a time.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
Sometimes, all you need is to shake a few trees to find the perfect peach for you.
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
Sleigh, what?!
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
How does a restaurant get the freshest ingredients? They cut a dill.
You’re a cutie 3.14159265359
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
When the peach pit farewell to his friend, he said, "See you later, peach out".
I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.
What do they call Bigfoot in Europe?
Bigmeter.
Forget about pumpkin, you’re the only cutie pie I need.
I summoned the dragon just for you. Now its time to make your wish come true.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Hey, beautiful. Where have you been Haydn?
What does a man desperate to urinate do in a room full of arrogant people?
Egos everywhere.
I have been trying to write a new pizza joke…
But I can’t work out the delivery.
What did one slice of bread say to the other at their wedding?
Let’s grow mold together.
Why can't college professors take exams at a zoo? Because there are too many cheetahs.
I can feel something brewing between the two of us.
What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
What do ponies look for in a vehicle?
Lots of horsepower.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!