"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
No one likes eating outside in the winter.
It’s frost come, frost served.
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?
I was shocked when I found out.
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
Nice beach balls, can I play?
For a fatty, you don't seem to sweat much.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Wow. You sure are excited to see me!
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
What do you call fake oranges?
“Pulp Fiction”
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
Are you French? I want to take a french kiss from you.
What superhero takes public transportation to get around? Bus Lightyear.
I never knew how lightning worked
Thats until it finally struck me.
A flamingo can be a really good friend to have. However, they generally fit the bill really well.
When it comes to mermaids growing legs, it's all in the de-tail.
Why cant a dwarf be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
Why should you never ever play texas hold'em with a crocodile?
You will literally lose every hand.
Hey girl…
Can I call-cu-later?
While rainbows must be many colors, they should always stay blue to themselves.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.
How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.
Arrrr. Wanna search me for buried treasure?
Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?
They have hops.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
In my friend's house, I saw an onion ring. So, I picked it up and answered it.
What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop Music.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd rather be dead than continue seeing you!
Your name must be Summer because you are hot.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
The Doris locked, why do you think I'm knocking?
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
I know, I’ll never have a chance with you but will you give me a chance to hear an angel talk?
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference