People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
What is the difference between a deer nut and a beer nut?
“A beer nut is often more than a buck but a deer nut is always under a buck.”
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
Girl, you can kiss heaven goodbye because it's got to be a sin to look that good.
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
Why was the wheelchair basketball team banned from the Paralympics?
They all tested positive for WD-40.
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
Are you a barista? I like you a latte
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
My pet turtle died.
I'm not upset - just shell-shocked.
There is no glory in practice, but without practice there can be no glory. This volleyball pun is very inspirational. For you to do your best, you have to be willing to practice.
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
How does a turtle feel after being electrocuted?
Shell-shocked.
The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
Excuse me, but I think I dropped something! My jaw.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
Why do trees have to drink responsibly? Otherwise, they become a bunch of trunk idiots.
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Hurricane
Hurricane who?
Hurry! Cane you jog away from the storm?
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
Corona virus is just like pasta.
The Chinese invented it but the Italians will spread it all over the world.
What is a mosquitos worst fear?
The S.W.A.T Team.
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!
Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesawus
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.
What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse'!
I see my future like how the Americans spell colour. Without u.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
Dust is a disk's worst enemy.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
If a crab worked in a pizza parlor, which station would it work?
The crust station.
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
I should change my name to Billy and get a job as a radio show presenter.
Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
Hey baby, my body's like Ontario. Yours to discover.
A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!