I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
My dad said he wanted to steal a pumpkin
but all the stores were well-gourded.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
I’m a raindrop and I’m falling for you.
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
What do skeletons put in their photocopiers?
Skeletoner
When you cross a magician and an airplane, the result is a flying sorcerer.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!
Is your name Ariel? Because I think we mermaid for each other.
My bank is really proud of me.
According to them, I have an outstanding balance!
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
I can score from multiple positions.
Someone once asked if I ever played the violin
I told him that I had fiddled with it.
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
I like the way you espresso yourself.
KID :"DAD, make me a sandwich."
DAD :"Poof, you're now a sandwich."
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
How do you catch a unique bunny? Unique up on it.
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
I am sure it is not this jog, you definitely just took my breath away.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
Why does Mr. Potato Head have a mobile?
In case Mr. Onion rings.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
Are you a beaver? Because I like your tail.
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?
Because it takes the path of leaf resistance.
Today I be-leaf in leprechauns
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
Why was the bouncy castle so expensive? Due to the cost of inflation.
What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
I'll be Burger King and you be McDonald's. I'll have it my way, and you'll be lovin' it.
Me: When is your birthday?
She: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* When is your birthday?
What does a mom of a football fan hate the most?
A messi room.
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
I am drinking wine and feline fine!
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
I want to read you from cover to cover.
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.