What did the art teacher say to the aspiring actress? You sure look the art.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
How about we get down to monkey business?
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
What is the definition of “moon”?
The past tense of “moo”.
Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them
What do you call sad coffee?" Despresso.
What movie perfectly describes the corona virus?
No country for old men.
Why did I start making a cherry pie? Bake-cause I love it.
When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentifiable frying object.
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
Why did the mushroom need time off work? Because he was fried.
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
Q. Which square dancing step do stags enjoy most?
A. The Doe-si-Does.
Do you know which aisle the edible underwear is in? Oh, wait, wrong store!
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday
They say it's because I took a day off.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
What do you call a cute donut?
A-dough-able.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.
Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.
Have you checked in yet? Because I've been check-in you out all day.
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”
What do you call a crab that throws things?
Lobster
Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need more to drink?
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.
What is the best thing to do if you notice a gorilla is sitting at your desk?
Find another place to sit.
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils?
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]
Cat: You're one short buddy.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Jess.
Jess who?
Jess let me in.
What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?
A sax-a-bone.
What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog?
A Croaker Spaniel.
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
If you see a ghost, you should always say, 'How do you boo?'
Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.