Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.

Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.

When you offered me love, I lepton it!

Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga

I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.

What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!

If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.

Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.

People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.

Q: What did the dentist get for an award?
A: A little plaque

Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.

What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? What a lavaly day!

What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.

I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.

You remind me of Halley's Comet. I don't wanna see you again for another 74 years.

What do you call a baby lion on lettuce?
Cub Salad.

Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.

There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.

There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.

As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.

Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!

(Ilene Bauer)

What do you see? [Nothing]. That’s my life without you.

Honestly, I'm into necrophilia. Wanna come home and play dead?

What do you call an amazing day up a mountain? A peak experience.

How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking For 10 minutes.

What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.

Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.

I don't care *how* many items you've got, baby, I could check you out all day long!

What do you call a rainbow you ride your horse on?
A rein-bow.

Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?

What is the only difference between a lion and a tiger? The mane part is missing in a tiger.

Excuse me, I just farted over there. Can I stand here with you?

What kind of berry has a coloring book? A crayon-berry

Every time i see you, my cardiovascular system gets all worked up.

It’s not you – it’s me. I don’t like you anymore.

When the chef asked which ingredients were missing in the signature dish, someone said quickly, ‘u-need-corn’.

I walked past Mozart's grave.
He was sitting up, shouting "Braaiinnss" and ripping up all his music.
I guess he's a decomposer now.

Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.

What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"

Some cherry puns are just pit-i-ful.

I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.

England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.

Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball.

What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck

I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.

What fruit loves chocolate?
A cocoa nut.

What did the deer tell his buddy before he took a test?
“Good buck!”

What do you call an English rock band playing in the mist? Foghat.

Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?

The broccoli.

Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.

*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”

Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.

What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys