I should call you rainbow, because you’re passing with flying colors.
"Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you"
Just like Evan, this match is also the cure
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!
Two friends were hanging out. One asks the other: "Hey, do you know about the famous detective that can't do bowel movements?"
The other friend replies: "No sh** Sherlock, of course I do!"
What did the rainbow say to the other rainbow? Nothing, it was feeling blue.
Even as unicorn parents, you always want to control the internet unless you want your foals checking
out uniporn all day.
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
You're so fine that I wouldn't care if you were dead or alive!
Buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood.
A police officer knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bicycles what rubbish my dog doesn’t even own a bike.
Is it me or is there an interaction between us?
Why are street thugs so good at basketball?
Because they know how to shoot, steal, and run.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
How many French eggs do you need?
One egg is un oeuf.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
I’ve always loved the name Alexandra. Should I call you Alexandra, Alex, Lexie, or mine?
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
What is a car’s favourite colour?
Racing car green.
Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
With all this talk of Corona Virus, the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew off the shelves.
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!
What made the computer so smart?
Because he listened to his motherboard!
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
A Ghost walks into a bar. No ones notices.
I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to coins underneath it. It must have been the Blue-tooth fairy.
I saw a cow on fire ther dayand so I put it out.
Guess you could call it a rare experience.
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
Are you into hockey? That's great because I'd like to score.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!