Me: I'll have a Corona please.
Waiter: *Cough*
Me: Thank you.
I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
Are you a red light because stop.
Girl, you should not have covered your beautiful eyes behind those Versace sunglasses.
Do you run track? Cause I relay like you!
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
When you cross a magician and an airplane, the result is a flying sorcerer.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
If you think a meteor is hard, you should see what you are doing to my missile.
We have a great connection since you’re wifi-material.
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
I have bean thinking about you.
I think you are suffering from a lack of Vitamin Me.
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
Some people say popcorn is hard to chew. There’s a kernel of truth to that.
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
The builder beaver decided to launch a new liquid dam-building product, but the market was too saturated.
What spread do astronauts use on their toast?
. . . Space jam
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
Why did the slice of bread leave her boyfriend? She thought that he was just too knead-y.
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
What do the lady pigs say when someone leaves the toilet seat up? “Hoof-orgot to put the seat down?"
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
The glass eyeball manufacturer is having a promotion
An eye for an eye.
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
Why did the confused gnome decide to see a shrink?
Because he had low elf-esteem.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.