Hey girl, are you a pulmonary embolism?
Because you're making me breathless.

Frankenstein wasn’t very compliant.
He was mad and annoyed and defiant.
But he happened to pass
Anger management class —
And turned into The Jolly Green Giant!

During the pandemic, all the children asked to draw pictures of the different types of grass. The children had to submit their grass-essments online.

Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!

You have me greening from ear to ear.

What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.

Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons — balancing them badly.

What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.

A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.

She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.

My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.

Did you hear about the sheep's jousting tournament?
It was a real baa-lancing act.

A cow usually prefers to eat moo-sli for breakfast.

I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

I got fired from my job as a train operator and my job as a lightning rod.
I guess I'm just a bad conductor.

In what state is the Amazon River? It is in the liquid state.

“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat

Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.

Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.

What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.

“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait

Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar

I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.

Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.

I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.

How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.

Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.

The artist thought she was all that and pen some.

Thank you for making our relationship sweet rather than a rocky road.

"I hear voices, too. Voices that say, 'If you don't kiss her soon, you're a chump.'"
- Jimmy Stewart, You Can't Take It with You (1938)

It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.

Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.

I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg

"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko

Even The Beatles think that we should "Come Together." "Right now."

“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes

Why did the computer break up with the internet? There was no "Connection".

What do apres-ski participants in white-out blizzard conditions eat for lunch?
Icebergers. BRR!

I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.

What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.

Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.

“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”

- Terry Pratchett.

Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

Vampires can always Count on Dracula.

What game do Ghost children play? Hide and shriek!

Picking strawberries can be a very fruitful endeavor!

“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown

“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal