How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
If there a rainbow today? I just found the treasure I have been searching for!
You’re what I’m most thankful for this year.
Today, my pastor started talking to the drum set during his sermon.
Boy did I appreciate the cymbal-ism
Want to plan a ride up the hill. It feels great when you're on top.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Also Did you utilize Canada's public healthcare system to help ease that pain?
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you're supposed to share your body heat with me.
What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An alley-gator!
Did you hear about the owl who married a goat?
The had a hootenanny.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
Why did the police arrest the star? That’s becuase it was a shooting star.
What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes!
Which football playoff team are Star Trek fans rooting for ?
The Green Bay Picards.
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
What do you call a goat who paints pictures?
Vincent Van Goat.
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
My family wanted me to cut the grass, but I couldn't get myself mow-tivated.
Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!
I hear this house is haunted… we better stick together.
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
Baby flamingos really are badly behaved. I think it’s because their parents never put their foot down.
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
Summer is my favorite sea-sun of the year.
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
I think there’s something wrong with my eye. I can’t take them off of you.
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.
The boy leaf confessed to the girl leaf that he was fall-ing in love with her.
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
If practice makes perfect and perfect needs practice, I’m perfectly practiced and practically perfect.
Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.
My doctor says I should get my ears cleaned every 12 months.
I think he means ear-ly.
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
I barely noticed you in the winter months, you were missing from the sky.
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
On scale of one to 10, you’re a poutine.
I wish I were Castiel so I could have everything in your personal space.
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.