History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
Fall is a-maize-ing.
The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Donut
Donut who?
Donut open til Christmas!
Don’t make such a Dreyfus about it.
The favourite day of the week for wolves is moonday.
Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.
What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells, jungle bells…
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
The bartender told the ghost they don't serve spirits after midnight.
Where did the bull carry his stock-market report?
In his beef case
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
Snow thank you.
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
It may seem a bit corny but we appreciate you working your tail off for us.
Why are wintertime fortune tellers so reliable?
They can see what is mitten in the stars.
If you need a mystery-solving, just call an in-vesti-gator.
I want to read you from cover to cover.
Where did the deer go to fix its tail?
The re-tail shop.
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
The oldest computer was an apple given to Adam and Eve back in paradise lost, but it came with very limited memory of just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
Are you a locksmith? Because you have the key to my heart.
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer?
Light ale!
My football teammate asked me, “On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate our after-victory celebration?”
I gave him a high five.
Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.
Why did the cosmonaut take his dog to the vet?
He came down with a stellar case of lunar tics.
Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
Beauty is only pig skin deep
Are you the British museum?
‘Cuz you stole my (he)art
What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
What has 80 teeth and 2 eyes ?
A crocodile.
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
Are you a Pepsi? Because you're so-da-licious!