I started dating her when she backed her car into mine at the mall.
I guess you could say we totally met by accident.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
Why did the horse never get cold?
It was a Dutch warmblood.
My computer is so slow it's running in the '90s.
Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
I was making a salad the other day, and I thought I heard a small red vegetable that was a bit like an onion whispering. Must have been a hoarse radish.
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
I do not want your candy, what I want is your number.
What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.
Good gourd, pumpkin spice latte season is officially here.
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
Why couldn’t the clownfish buy a house?
The fish could not buy a house because he didn’t have an-e-mon-e!
How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.
The scare crow was out standing in his field, so he got awarded as the best employee of the year.
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
You just caused a heat wave.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Dad jokes are like Corona.
Everybody gets It but not everyone can laugh about It.
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?
Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it
I told her it’s so he can cut corners
My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams!
What do you call water that is good for you?
Well water.
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause you look out of this world.
Hear that sound? (cup hand to ear) Yep- that's a dump truck, and it's coming for you!
How does the cell phone call his girlfriend on Valentine's Day? He gives her a ring.
Why did the strawberries turned red? Because they saw the salad dressing.
What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver.
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
The witches sweep the sky.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Britney Spears
Britney Spears who?
Knock, knock - oops i did it again.
What did the fairy say to the other fairy?
It’s fairy nice to meet you!