"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
"Unsatisfied Yearning"
Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,
In order to get out.
Once in the glittering starlight.
He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.
In order to get in.
– R.K. Munkittrick
The builder beaver decided to launch a new liquid dam-building product, but the market was too saturated.
Easter? I hardly even knew her.
We have a great connection since you’re wifi-material.
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
Q. Where did the gorilla like to go sailing?
A. The Chimpan-Sea
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
What is the most popular flower in France?
Croissanthemums.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw?
Because they don’t know how to cook it.
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
One is a hunted stag and one is a stunted hag!
How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting until the full moon!
A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
My wrists hurt whenever I drive to work with my co-workers and we go through a tunnel.
I think it's carpool tunnel syndrome.
Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.
What’s black, white and red all over?
A penguin with a sunburn.
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
Do you like wine?
Because that's all your doing.
Let's get drinks, cuz I wanna get into the holiday ~spirit~ with you.
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
Strawberries are great musicians because they make perfect jam sessions.
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
Q. Why are big gorilla turds always so stinking tired?
A. Because they're all pooped out!
Away from their official duties, soccer players love dancing at a soccer ball.
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
What do you call an alligator who kills bugs all day long?
A fumigator.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today...
It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked.