Why do cats like computers the best?
Cuz they have a mouse.
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, oceans don't talk they just wave!
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
Who makes dinosaur clothes? dino-sewer.
What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
The four-ten split.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
One of the punny pig names for a pig that loves Shakespeare is Hamlet.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
If the wooden face mask was popularized by Jacques Plante, was the wooden
cup made popular by Jock Plank?
Did you hear what happened to the Energizer Bunny? He got arrested for Battery.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
An animal that talks your head off.
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
What do you say when you are happy with how life has been weeks before Easter? It’s so far been an egg-cellent spring.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
What to spiders eat in Paris?
French flies.
Shell yeah.
If volleyball were easy, they would call it football.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
Did you damage my cerebellum? Because I’m falling all over the place for you.
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
What happened when the koala tripped and fell in a crowded restaurant? He got embearassed.
What did the deer say to his friend when he suggested a trip to the park? Good i-deer!
What Christmas carol do they sing in the desert? O' Camel ye faithful.
What has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? MY ZIPPER!
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
Are your highways? Because I want a long drive on you.
What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.
What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.
I’ve loved my vacation in France, but it’s time to Hugo.
Can I help you carry your groceries to the car?
What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!
Why does salt make everything taste better
Because it's sodi-yummm!
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.