2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".
My Aunt with half a plate left: I don't think I can eat anymore, this meat is just not appealing to me.
Me: Have a potato, it has a peal.
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
You must be copper because I always cu in my dreams.
Why had the beaver left the pond? He thought it was too shallow.
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
Turtles love taking shell-fies.
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
I actually prefer that life give me lemons so that I can make a pretty lady like you some lemonade on a hot Summer's day.
What did the pinecone say to the pineapple? Nice to meet juice.
The lake did not like the river because it felt that the river was not very lake-able.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
Hey Pumpkin, I just wanted to say that I'm done with having Halloween every day.
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
I like 25 letters of the alphabet
But I love U.
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
What do you call fifty penguins at the North Pole?
Really lost. (Penguins live in the Southern Hemisphere)!
What do you call a lazy crayfish?
A slobster.
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
Are you an Advil? Cause I'd like to take you every 2-4 hours.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
What trophy does a stay-at-home defencemen win? The Snorris!
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Ruthless.
When are you due back in heaven?
What did the swimming pool say to the skimmer?
Leaf me alone!
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
What are the four seasons?
Salt, Pepper, Sugar and Flour.
Why did the orange go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!