I saw you on Spotify so thought to text you. You were in the hottest singles this week.
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
How do pink birds make friends? They fla-mingle.
Q: What does the tiger use to brush his mane?
A: A catacomb.
I have pea soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s why I pea soup all night!
What did daddy ghoul say to his youngest son?
Stop ghouling around!
You're so fine that I wouldn't care if you were dead or alive!
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Your shirt must be made out of husband material.
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.
What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I came home with you?
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
What did the father cantaloupe say to his son?
“Watermelon! (Water-my-lawn)”
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
Roses are red
violets are blue.
You may not know this but
I’m falling for you.
I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
Staying humble thanks to that fumble
Why did the orange become juice?
It couldn't handle the pressure.
You must be copper because I always cu in my dreams.
What kind of horse do you ride after dark?
A night mare.
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
I saw a sheep covered in plastic
It was lambinated.
Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Because they wouldn't take a bath!
You know what’s on the menu? ME-N-U
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
The government announced that because of COVID, we can have gatherings of up to 5 people without issues.
Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without issues?
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
You have the nicest syntax I've ever seen.
What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
“I hope I didn’t quack any.”
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
I'm a gymnast, so if you're down for some mattress yoga, count me in!
How do you save a drowning mouse ?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
John, look me in the eyes. All of my life I needed a strong, good looking, confident man and you
are the one who can help me find someone like that.
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.