What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
I don't want to make the faux-paw of coming on strong, but your dog is so adorable, I couldn't resist.
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
I’m chocolate to my appointment!
You are astoundingly gorgeous, but I can tell that’s the least exciting thing about you. I’d love to know more.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?”
He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there.”
Why did the vegetarian stop running cross country?
He did not like the meets.
Shave a single shingle thin.
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
What’s a horse’s favorite animated movie?
Bolt.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
If you eat too many cherries, you can sometimes end up with digestive issues. It really is the pits.
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
10-tickles.
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!
Don't be too harsh on the bread. All it kneads is love.
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
Why couldn’t anyone get a job at the ice rink?
There was a hiring freeze.
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
What did the wise papa fish tell his son?
Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
I smelled you down the street, and my nose brought me right to you.
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
If four plus four equals eight, then me plus you equals fate.
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.