The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose!
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
What money do zombies use?
Crypt-o-currency.
What is Tesla's favorite gun?
A musket
There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
I was conned into believing that my hotel room in Moscow had free Wifi.
I remember the ad saying: Internyet.
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
I am.
I am who?
You mean you don’t know who you are?
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
A monster terrorized a village.
He kept doing it ogre and ogre again...
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Al.
Al who?
Al give you a kiss if you open the door.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
I saw a saw that could out saw any saw I ever saw saw. If you happen to see a saw that can out saw the saw I saw saw I'd like to see the saw you saw saw.
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
"Everything happens for a riesling, right?"
Did you know dried fruits favorite news segments is...
Current events.
What does an evil penguin lay?
Deviled eggs.
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
I heard you like math, so what’s the sum of U+Me?
What did the teaching tree do when it went overseas? It took a leaf of absence!
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
I think we're mint to be!
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
What do you call a sleeping werewolf?
An unaware-wolf.
As a flower cannot blossom without sunshine, I cannot survive without your love.
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.