The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
Are you my homework? Because I’m not doing you, even though I should.
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
What do you call a very active hydra?
Hydradynamic.
Just saw a burglar kicking his own door in.
I asked: “What are you doing?”
“Working from home.”
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs bunny
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
What types of books do pines read? Poetree books.
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
I froze some raspberries last summer. You're hot enough to defrost them.
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
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"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
I know I’m not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but one glance at you and I’m already interested.
The winds of change started raining silver, copper, and gold coins.
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
Seed between the lines.
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
Rocket.
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
Is your name Houston? Because you seem to be guiding my rover.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
A brain aneurysm would be swell.
What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
Do you like science because I've got my ion you.
Hold still, there's a mosquito on your a$$.
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.
Damn girl, are you a magician’s assistant? Because I want you to disappear from my life.
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
A little boy asks his dad, “Why is it raining? Is the sky sad?”
The dad replies, “Yes, son, the sky is pretty blue.”
I went to watch a play and there were so many peach errors in the dialogues.
Man: I can make your bed rock
Woman: No you can't I have a Tempurpedic.
Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!