Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
What is a definition of art theft? The haul of frames.
What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.
I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them
This pool is impressive. Or should I say swim-pressive?
When I got mugged on my way back from the greengrocers, I was peach-less!
If you go to a beach and you can see through it, you could say the coast is clear.
Can you give me directions to your heart? I've seemed to have lost myself in your eyes.
Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?
Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they’re in black and white.
A beaver asked his fellow beavers to hurry up and said, "Water you waiting for, make haste."
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
What do you call a ghosts mom and dad? Transparents
Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever ?
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.
If you want to ask someone to borrow their peas, you have to say pea-lease.
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
My roommates insist that our house is haunted
I’ve lived here for 274 years and never once met a ghost.
Though my brother won the art competition, he went up to his rival and gave him the credit where it was hue!
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
A crocodile tried to copy a rooster to wake his friends one morning, he went croc-a-doodle do.
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
The ocean made me salty.
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
The worst part about being a giraffe…
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
What do you say when your horse proposes to your other horse?
Call the marrier!
No taxation without representation! But, there is a kiss tax. Strictly enforced and right on the lips.
Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?
They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
I thought Happiness starts with H. But why does mine starts with U.
What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.
It's really easy to learn white water kayaking
You just go with the flow.
Baby I'm gonna teach you what love's all about tonight