“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
Is your name Ariel? Because I think we mermaid for each other.
What do you call a gushing keyboard?
sqwerty
Why can you never trust an artist? Because they are a bit sketchy, a little shady and will always try to frame you.
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
Better read than dead.
My heart is as desolate as Saskatchewan without you.
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
A Bisontennial!
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
The ref better give me 2 for hooking, 'cause baby I'm hooked on you.
What are the four seasons?
Salt, Pepper, Sugar and Flour.
I love a joke about the eyes.
The cornea the better.
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
There’s no trick in these pants.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
You’re a woman from East Transylvania
Dating Dracula, with his weird mania.
He asks you each night
To go out for a bite —
An experience certain to drain ya.
How do bears keep their houses cool in summer?
Bear conditioning.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
When in France, I have Nantes-thing to complain about.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
I think I might become an astronomer because I’m very fascinated with Uranus
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
What did one cloud of fog say to the other?
I don’t know. It’s a mistery.
We’ll have a ball.
What pickup line did the flower use on Tinder?
Are you a DAMNdelion?
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
Are you a baker? ‘Cause those buns look TASTY.
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
I am out of chemistry jokes. I should zinc of a new one.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
Are you sure that you’re not a microwave oven? Because, you sure make my heart melt!
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
"What's with that fruit taped to your mouth?" the doctor asked. "Covid-19 prevention," the patient replied.
"You need a bandana, not a banana!"
I'm cold just thinking about Canada. Let's cuddle.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
How do you find zebra?
Look under zeshirt.
How do you know if it's too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.