When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.
Take a page from the book and leaf.
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
When you cross a magician and an airplane, the result is a flying sorcerer.
How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.
What's the best time of year to see gorillas in the wild? Ape-ril.
You are so beautiful that you made me forget my pick up line.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet?
Don’t go around BRRfooted!
Why do piglets take home economics in school? To learn how to sow.
I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
If you had the same amount of money as your phone number, how much would that be?
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling all stuffed up!
How could I dance with another. When I saw you standing there.
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
I didn't believe in predestination until I met you.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
Bobby Bippy bought a bat.
Bobby Bippy bought a ball.
With his bat Bob banged the ball
Banged it bump against the wall
But so boldly Bobby banged it
That he burst his rubber ball
"Boo!" cried Bobby
Bad luck ball
Bad luck Bobby, bad luck ball
Now to drown his many troubles
Bobby Bippy's blowing bubbles.
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
"It's not me, it's you!"
When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet? When it's not raining!
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
Why don’t we go somewhere where I can stick a candle in your jack-o-lantern?
Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
"Go home! Go home! Go home! With me."
- Family Matters
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob.
What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!
What is a zombie that speaks two languages?
Zombilingual.
"Time wounds all heels."
Hey there cyclist, I'll be your mechanic if you'll be my ride.
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”