Hey you long legged girl with the short dress on. I finally found you!!
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
In the middle of the night yesterday, I dreamt that I was swimming in a sea of oranges only to wake up and realize that it was just a Fanta-sea.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
Did you guys hear about the camel that got a gig playing a cow on Broadway?
She was a real drama dairy.
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
Did you hear about the misguided unicorn lumberjack who was killing humans? He believed he was doing random axe of kindness.
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
What’s a spiders favorite barbecue food?
Corn on the cobweb.
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
I got a valentine from a pickle today...
It meant a great dill to me.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
If you were a dynamically allocated variable in a C++ program, you'd create a leak. Because I'd never delete you from my life.
When is it raining money? Whenever there's 'change' in the weather.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
Where did the hamsters invade the beaver colony? Hamsterdam.
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
Let me give you another reason to feel thankful this year. 😏
How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
I made a snap decision to watch football today
He couldn't get over his dead wife, so he got a new computer
Now he can processor.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
I was watching a movie when the screen started to emit blue light. Guess this is one of the cons of watching movies on Blue Ray.
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.