Are you a phone? Because I want to hold you in my hands all day and ignore the rest of the world while I stare at you alone in my bedroom.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
Circumcision Now Seen As Pointless.
King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!
(by Robert Z)
How can you make a computer system cry? Delete his cookies.
One day I saw a squirrel burying lotto tickets under a large bush, so I asked him what he was doing.
He told me he was hedging his bets.
What do you call a 2D fairy?
Pixie-lated.
Defeat in soccer is only bitter if you swallow it.
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
"Let's have another round, shall we?"
I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
---
You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
Which color is a zebra's base color? The debate is endless, and there is no clear answer.
It both is and isn't a black-and-white issue.
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
What’s the best part of the cell, next to the cytoplasm? The nucle-US.
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
The Christmas alphabet has noel.
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It’s a little flat.
Have you heard about the new book all about flamingos? Apparently it’s flying off the shelves.
Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.
You must be from Paris, because you're driving me in Seine.
My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
How do Penguins drink their cola?
On the rocks.
How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.
I do not want your candy, what I want is your number.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?
Seems it’s a story that bears repeating.
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
I'm going to have to ask you to stay away, you're posing a risk for my health. You make my heart stop!
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
Did you hear about the new Wifi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
(On a rainy day) I figured out why the sky was grey today...all the blue is in your eyes.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
It's not you...it's your taste in music.
Crows, they just love sports, crow-quet to be precise.
Why does Foghorn Leghorn take it slow when April rolls around?
Because he’s no spring chicken!