What do you call a Grizzly at a nude beach?
Bear Naked.
I'm sorry I wasn't around in the past. Can I be part of your future?
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
Defeat in soccer is only bitter if you swallow it.
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
Why do seals have trouble eating bread?
Because they're seal-iacs.
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
Q: What kind of decisions do peaches make?
A: Fruitful ones.
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don’t eat with your mouth full!
What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.
Hey, not sure if I should be telling you this, but I’m a Prince and I’m currently looking for my Cinder-Bella
Where does a cow hang his best paintings? In a moo-seum, of course.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
How do cats say goodbye in Italy?
Miao.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?
A mechanic.
I am reading a horror story in Braille.
Someone is going die, I can feel it.
"Crabby"
I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.
If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.
– Barbara Vance
You’re all I’m Luca-ing for and more
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
What did the nerdy duckling say ?
Quark Quark.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.
Don't get tide down.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
You’re such an adventure, let me explore you.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Spain!
Spain who?
Spain to have to keep knocking on this door!
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
What’s the difference between me and your socks? I’m not yours anymore.
I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.