Having been thrown out of cartoon art school, he was in suspended animation.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
If I got a star for every time I thought of you, I would have a whole galaxy.
The garden where only white cars are driven can be called a garden of white carnation.
If you were an element you'd be francium because you're the most attractive.
What does a mommy cherry say to her children? I love you cherry much.
Why was the big white tiger angry with his other Siberian tiger friend? Because he bleached him while grooming.
Are you from Stockholm? Cause you're the Swedish girl I've ever seen.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
The young lady had to throw her toaster in the trash. She was diagnosed as black-toast intolerant.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
What do you call a cemetery for bears?
Bearial grounds.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.
Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?
Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
Will you integrate with me? I will differentiate whoever comes in our way.
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
He was going to sleep in a bucket of ice.
But then he got cold feet.
What chord does jesus play on guitar?
Gsus
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant? A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.
These decorations are tree-mendous.
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
Any proof that Saturn married more than once? Well, he do has a lot of rings.
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
I wondered why flamingos were so strong, so I did a little research. Turns out they do a lot of eggs-er-cise.
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.
What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!
Man: What do math and my dick have in common? They're both hard for you
Woman: You must be a math problem because you're annoying and difficult. I don't wanna solve your problems for you.
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!
What did the flower do when she was challenged?
Rose to the occasion.
What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"That was a hard drive."
What was the pianist doing at the mall?
Chopin.
The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.
Do you have a tan, or do you always look this hot?
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!