“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown

“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel

Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats

Hey, baby, you’re not Paradise Lost, you’re Paradise Regained.

“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”

Why didn’t the flower get a second date?
He was garden variety.

“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers

Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.

How do you know you’ve been visited by a possessed rabbit? He leaves deviled eggs.

What’s the difference between a fly and an eagle?
An eagle can fly but a fly cannot eagle.

A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”

What do you get when you cross a dog with a calculator?
A friend you can count on.

I was just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you are?

What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.

In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”

Spent the whole day running around dressed as a zombie. I’m dead on my feet.

What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.

Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.

How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"

What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.

There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.

What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin

Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.

I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.

“Deck the Halls with Bows on Collies.”

Who did the ghost take to prom? His ghoulfriend.

What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

When is it raining money? Whenever there's 'change' in the weather.

Up to snow good.

"I'm not a stop along the way. I'm a destination."
- Gossip Girl

What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land

"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar

"The Legs Are Last To Go"

Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know

“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”

She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show

The legs are last to go

The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go

Her legs were last to go.


– Mike Gentile

General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"

Fishing you a happy day.

How do you know when an avocado is ripe?

After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.

How do you stop a werewolf attacking you?
Throw a stick and shout “Fetch.”

What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!

When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!

Why was there lightning and thunder in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.

My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.

I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.

What do you call a parrot that flew away?
A polygon.

What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.

If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?

What Do Ducks Have With Soup?
Quackers

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.

What did the deer say to her friend when she needed assistance?
“Could you doe me a favour?”