Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
"Partners in wine."
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
Hi, I see that you're new to this gym, and I wanna be the first male to bother you.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because there was a quack in the sidewalk.
What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
Crabs on your organ!
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
Reading is a novel idea.
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
I see my future like how the Americans spell colour. Without u.
Cherries are the worst soft fruits to watch scary movies with. They spend the whole time hiding behind a cushion as they are cherrified.
There's something gorgeous about your eyes...
Oh, that's it! It's my reflection.
Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper.
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
The ghoul didn't get his letter on time because it got lost at the ghost office.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!
I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!
Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?
(Laura Loo)
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
I told my friend that our old school friend is coming to attend St Patrick's feast. She was surprised. She asked, "O'Reilly?"
You can’t possibly play soccer in the amazon jungle because there are far too many cheetahs.
My father is so cheap...
When we go to bed he unplugs the clocks.
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
There's nothing humble about my warrior.
Vampires are not even real. Unless you Count Dracula.
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
Where do kittens learn to move around? On the catwalk
Changed my password to fortnight but apparently that's two week.
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.