How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade, and a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a “punch.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
I'm single and desolate. Can you help me?
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party? A party pooper.
“The road to success is always under construction.”
Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal.
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
If a lamb and tiger were crossed, you would end up with a striped sweater.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
What is the hippest kind of fruit? A bae-nae-nae.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
Why do zombies only date intelligent women?
They just love a woman with brains.
I asked my dog why he was having a bad day.
But all he said was “ruff”.
I want anarchy
Because my keyboard is missing one.
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
What did the ghost do at the red light? He came to a dead stop.
Are you a defibrillator? Because you are sending shocks to my heart.
We’ll need protracturtle in our next lesson since the topic will be angles.
Gnomes don’t understand jokes, they go right over their heads.
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
Are you the 4th of July? 'Cause I'm feeling fireworks between us.
With the kind of weather, it was almost certain that the bride-to-be would get a hoarse throat as she walked through the rain into her bridal shower.
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
What would you call a dream where a koala bear is eating you? A bite-mare.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
My entire family keeps asking why I’m still single. Want to help me change that?
What do rabbits say before they eat? Lettuce pray.
Do you play the guitar? Because you can touch strings of my heart
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
-
One thing you never want to do is divorce a butcher.
That would be a huge missed steak.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
Why are frogs so happy?
Because they eat whatever bugs them.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
I goat this.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.
Why was the piano laughing?
Because I was tickling his ivories
What did the man say after his boss threw cheese, milk, and creamer in his face? How dairy!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Aida.
Aida who?
Aida sandwich for lunch today.
What kind of bean never grows in a garden? A jelly bean!
Did you know Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol?
Her name was Onya Marx.
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"