People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
Your eyes are as blue as the sea after a storm.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
Can I help you carry your groceries to the car?
One of my friends got lost while touring Tokyo. Turns out it was all Ja-plan.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
There’s a big thunderstorm. The road is blocked by a big mudslide. A little boy asks his dad, “Why does earth fall down like that?”
His dad answers, “It’s terrain.”
Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.
How did cars walk on to Noah’s Ark?
4X4.
If I were to wander around in Italy...
Would I be roamin'?
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
What happened if vampires came to a big dance?
A bat ball.
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court …
The game would be cancelled.
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.
Vampires are not even real. Unless you Count Dracula.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK
Woman: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you before GLY
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
What do you call a guy who believes in ethical treatment of spiders?
Peta Parker.
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
"That's all, yolks."
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
We’re mint to be.
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
What did the Papa Blanket say to the Mama Blanket when the Baby Blanket was crying?
Comforter.
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
Did you know Doctor Frankenstein used to be a lonely, lonely man?
Then he learned how to make friends.
This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.
It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.
(Kevin Nishmas)
I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.
Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.
My mate had an accident and lost his ear. The doctors were able to graft on a new one made of pig skin.
His hearing is now quite fine, but every now and then he gets some crackling.
Don't worry, bee happy!
Where does a baby monkey sleep?
In an apricot.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
What do you get when you cross a dog with a calculator?
A friend you can count on.