My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
Guy: Have you ever been fishing before? Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!
I've always liked Buffalo Springfield....
....For What it's Worth.
My wife and my friends are sick of my puns about The Abominable Snowman.
Yeti keep cracking them.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
Are you an alarm clock? Because I want to kill you.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
Some people say Greece should stop using the euro as currency...
I think they're being over-drachmatic.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a woodpecker?
Bat-a-tat.
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!
Robviously, I couldn’t help but ask you out
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies!
French history is nothing to Lafayette at.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
There are so much beautiful sceneries near the river valleys. They are totally gorges.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock from a cheap and chippy chopper with a big, black block.
What clothes do rainbows wear? Thunderpants.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
What kind of gang violence is common among owls?
A drive by hooting.
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
You seem to be traveling at the speed of light, because time always seems to stop when I look at you.
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
To beer or not to beer… That is the question.
What did the bowl of soup write on their Valentine?
I love you pho real.
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.