What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
What type of mushrooms can you put on a jacket? Button mushrooms.
I saw a cow on fire ther dayand so I put it out.
Guess you could call it a rare experience.
What did the woman say when she escaped Dracula’s clutches?
- Better luck necks time!
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
What is the most popular flower in France?
Croissanthemums.
Afraid he wouldn’t get into college the skeleton spent the weekend boning up on algebra.
I've been thinking about you owl night long...
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
Why are Siberian tigers so happy at Christmas time? Because it is snowy, and they get to look like white tigers.
We should make like the Soviet Union and split up.
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?
Why did the obtuse Triangle go to the beach?
Because it was more than 90°.
I feel thankful for having you as my gym buddy and lover.
Our relationship is really working out.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
My love for you is like a Trojan Horse, it’ll sneak up on you when you least expect it.
What did the happy cat say? Stay paw-sitive!
The chicken got sent off in the middle of the match because of their persistent fowl play.
I wish I was a Trypanosoma Cruzi so I could live in your heart.
How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
Excuse me, may I have this mating dance?
You make miso happy.
Two racquets started dating. Unfortunately, one was stringing the other along without any intention of tying the knot.
I told my husband that the National Zoo's sloth bear gave birth but ate two of the three babies. He said "now she's guilty of 2 deadly sins: sloth and gluttony."
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Did you hear about the B I V G R O Y rainbow?
The poor thing has a deviated spectrum.
Are you my phone charger? Because without you, I’d die
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap music.
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
Who’s a llama’s favorite actor?
Al Pacacino.
I know you're busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
What does a mommy pig say to her piglets at the end of the day? Time to pig up your toys.
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.