There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
Excuse me, may I have this mating dance?
Are you a red blood cell? Because you never fail in delivering what my heart needs.
What noise does a gorilla’s doorbell make?
King Kong
Is your name Succinylcholine? Because you’re paralyzing.
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
What do you call fraudulent milk? Cow-nterfeit.
Through three cheese trees, three free fleas flew. While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew. Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze. Freezy trees made these trees’ cheese freeze. That’s what made these three free fleas sneeze.
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
Charlotte, would you char-let me rock your world?
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
Q: What does the tiger use to brush his mane?
A: A catacomb.
How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale.
What does a funeral home hair stylist handle on a daily basis?
A brush with death
Hey, how’ve you Ben?
Who's the scariest dancer ever?
The Boogie Man.
What’s a werewolve's favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas!
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
Someone randomly dropped off a bull in my neighbor’s yard, but animal control picked it up before she got home.
She would have had a cow.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
Why did the River need Jesus? It was dammed.
What do you call yogurt that is terrified of other dairy products? A cow-ard!
What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
Why was the bus musician so excited? He just got a 'ride-ing' ovation!
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
If I were a stop light, I would always turn red each time you pass by. In that way, I could stare at you longer.
Did you see the glitch earlier? You weren’t listed as the top hottest single.
Have you seen the Greek book that became a movie? You odyssey it.
Why are parrots so loyal? They are a man of their bird!
If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called?
A fairy tale.
What’s the difference between a gross bus stop and a crab with large breasts?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!