You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.
What did the prehistoric Greeks call their goddess of love?
Troglodite.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I have a gun, get in the van!
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
Something is Wrong With My Bicycle,
it doesn't Go Straight.
Did you hear about the gorilla with a screw loose?
He needed to use a money wrench to tighten it.
What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
Why did the ghoul bury the trophy?
Because he wanted it engraved!
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
Why do owls shower so often?
So they don’t smell fowl.
You must be a library book because I can’t stop checking you out.
If you texted me every time I thought of you, you'd be blowing up my phone.
Whats the distant cousin of the werewolf?
The way over therewolf.
Hey girl. Feel my sweater. Know what it’s made of? Husband material.
Are you a Frappuccino? Because I want to be that whipped cream on the top.
An astronaut who normally fails on a weightlessness experiment, might surely be aware of the gravity of the situation.
My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese.
But it's only mild.
Bad puns are how eye roll.
Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.
What do you call a FISH with no Eyes? A FSH.
Leaf me alone.
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
One of the punny pig names for a pig that loves Shakespeare is Hamlet.
Why do you think is the moon bald? Because it has no ‘air.
My father was a blind carpenter
until he picked up his hammer and saw.
I haven’t owned a watch for I don’t know how long.
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
By his net income.
What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts.
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
If you were a puck, I'd never shoot. Because I would always miss you.
What do you say to an astronaut looking for a car park
There's a spaceman.
What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.
Roses are red, violets are blue, trash is dumped and so are you.
Hey girl, you make my heart flutter kick.
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
What does a magician penguin say?
“Pick a cod, any cod…”
My neighbors house got struck by lightning.
It hit close to home.