We had a lively debate in physics.
It was a conversation of energy.
This coffee is too strong. How about a kiss because you are the only sugar I need.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
If Russia attacked Turkey from behind do you think Greece would help?
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
"Time to wine down."
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.
What do you call an old snowman? A creek.
I just hear that the woman who lives next door and loves fruit died. I hope she would rest in peach.
What did the sink say to the water faucet?
You’re a real drip.
What kind of alcohol do flowers drink?
Rosé.
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something!
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.
A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"
Luke Luck likes lakes.
Luke's duck likes lakes.
Luke Luck licks lakes.
Luck's duck licks lakes.
Duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes.
Luke Luck takes licks in lakes duck likes.
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
Here’s more proof that I’ve gone off the deep end.
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
If you were a fishing fly you'd be 'irresistible'.
What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck.
Don’t ask me for any tree puns.
Acacia haven’t noticed I’m all out.
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
You are spud-tacular.
Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
Can I take your temperature? You’re looking hot today.
What does a cheese like to drink after a long day?
Morbier.
I got sacked from my job at the guillotine factory today
It’s a cut throat business
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
What does a house wear?
Address.
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.