Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.

It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.

Trying to teach my dad how to put WiFi on his tablet
Me: You just have to go to settings!

Dad: This is just making me upsettings!

On the spot no hesitation! Gotta love him!

"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg

I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.

Roses are red, violets are blue, Antarctica is hot compared to you.

Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.

You are one well-defined function!

Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)

What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.

"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar

“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan

What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.

Did you hear about the famous Spanish streaker?
Senor Willy.

I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day

I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.

My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”

“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson

The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.

My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!

Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!

There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.

Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web

This weekend, I will watch a new Irish movie based on a marathon runner who only ate potatoes. It is called Starch Trek.

What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!

I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.

What is a koala’s favorite pop singer? Koala Rae Jepsen. Her most popular song? “Koala Me Maybe”.

Humpty Dumpty had a terrible summer, but he sure had a great fall.

How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.

Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!

How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.

Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.

What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.

What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.

What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”

Want to hear a joke about weather?
Actually, never mind. I'll just save it for a rainy day.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby birthday to you!

The toilets at an AMF are known as the boweling alleys.

“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”

Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.

What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.

How are you still so fat when you've been running in my mind for so long?

What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.

I have a buddy who was recently hit by a bus, while promoting pedestrian safety.The surgeons had to replace all the joints in his left leg with metal.
I think it's safe to say he can appreciate the iron knee

What do you call a blind dinosaur? adoyouthinkhesaurus.

Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.

If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make ? Slippers

The sun must be jealous of you because you are so hot.

After all is sled and done.

How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.