“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
Propranolol is red, digoxin is blue. My heart skips a beat when I see you.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to France from America?
Son, we are now Europeants!
Hey girl, I've been warming up this bench for you my whole life.
You look like you could use some hot chocolate... Well, here I am!
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten?
KELP!
Owl always love you.
When you come across a werewolf with no legs, how do you call it? Call it anything because it cannot chase you!
Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep. The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south. These sheep shouldn’t sleep in a shack; sheep should sleep in a shed.
I wish I were cross-eyed so I can see you twice
What's the fastest thing on the river bed?
A motor-pike and side-carp.
What did the girl dinosaur ask her pet dog?
"Do you want some tea, Rex?"
Any proof that Saturn married more than once? Well, he do has a lot of rings.
What kind of spells do leprechauns use?
Lucky Charms!
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
I find my core strength in you.
Where do parrots invest their money?
In the stork market
What a great match, guess you could say its my Luke-y day
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
What did the giant octopus say to the pirate ship?
- What’s Kraken?
Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
Hi. Do you remember me? Oh, that’s right—we’ve only met in my dreams.
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
Aside from being single, what do you do for a living?
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
Have you seen the gators on skateboards, they are great alli-skaters.
I didn't think I was a snowman, but you just made my heart melt
The fact is your refractive index is greater than 2.42. That means you shine brighter than a diamond!
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
Whenever someone wishes me to say "Happy Winter," it always leaves me cold.
Where my prose at?
Sorry I took so long to call, I accidentally got lost in your eyes.
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.