You’d better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart.
Do you know what is the actual difference between hell and hill? It is only a fine line.
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
Is this the bus stop?
Because I'm here to pick you up!
I’m a wrapper, so I get a lot of dough. A bread wrapper, that is.
What do you call a Belgian who's bad at grammar?
An twerp.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
What did hear about the two bats meeting?
It was love at first bite!
What time do werewolf Cowboys have a shootout?
High Moon!
How was the first giraffe made?
Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
Have I given you the tour of my estate yet?
It is a Vauxhall.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You made my life a mess
Please call a clean-up crew
What did the Wife say to the Husband?
You are exhausting!
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
FORE!
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
“I only like lemons,”
Said Michael zestfully.
Do you have a quarter I can Bora Bora? I want to call my mom and tell her I've met the girl of my dreams.
Baby I'm gonna teach you what love's all about tonight
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
What do you call an ant with big hair?
Bouff-ant.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to answer the door?
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
There was a vampire named Vlad
The Village all thought he was bad
But the true story
Just wasn't gory
It turns out Vlad was just sad.
Do you believe in love at first flight?
Are you an onion? Cause I want to peel your layers.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
Why are flamingos such good patients?
They’re used to wading.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Who’s ready to party their shamrocks off?
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers