Can I interest you in a magic trick? Just give me your phone and watch my number magically appear on it.
Are you being a ghost for Halloween, or are you just my boo?
What did the art teacher say to the aspiring actress? You sure look the art.
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
Are you a parking ticket? Because you're evidence that I made a mistake.
Why is corn popular around Halloween?
Because it’s so earie.
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
What do you get when a dinosaur blows it's nose? OUT of the way!!
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
Just like Evan, this match is also the cure
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
Why did the boy soon stop trying to grab the mountain fog? Because he always mist.
The paddy don’t start till I walk in.
I'm researching the most common digits in phone numbers. What's your number?
Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.
Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.
But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.
So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
Dog heaven must be missing an angel.
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
Are your highways? Because I want a long drive on you.
What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
What would you call an elf with lots of money?
W-elfy!
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
I'll feel more comfortable sleeping at night once I have your number.
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
Why did the horse like her new backpack?
The straps were adju-stable.
Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?
What do you call a kangaroo sanctuary?
A kazoo.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Wanna join me for some downward doggy-style tonight?
I'll be making a movie about the Greek alphabets.
It's a Psi Phi film.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?