Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Kanga.
Kanga who?
Actually, it’s kangaroo.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”
Who needs a map when one can Rome freely in your beautiful eyes?
My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape
It's the reason we cantaloupe
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Want.
Want who?
Want, who ... three, four, five!
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? "That's the most violent book I've ever read."
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.
I went fly-fishing yesterday.
All I caught was two bluebottles.
Why is Pegasus so smart?
He’s all kno-wing.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
How will a crow with a cold fever sound like? Caw-ph, Caw-ph.
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn’t work.
Wanna churn butter with me?
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
Wanna know what I said when I got hit by a water gun?
H2Oww
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
I bought an old stereo.
My wife has her doubts, but I think it's a sound investment.
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
What’s green and mean and stabs you when you hug it?
Cactus
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
Pardon me for drooling, but without my jaw, I can't help myself.
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
What did the nectarine boxer say to his opponent? "You want a peach of me?"
Do you celebrate Boxing Day? Because you're the whole package.
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
The last ten times I’ve been to a fancy dress party, I’ve gone as a shark.
The joke’s wearing fin.
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
My father is a farmer who grows strawberries. However, his business has recently gone into liquidation after he made smoothies.
Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck?
Let me warn you, it’s a long one.
Are you a lover of magic tricks? Pass me a paper and watch my number appear on it.
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
How do ghosts stay fit? By exorcising daily.