I wanna bob for your apples.
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
Why did the Ghost turn down the job? He could not see himself doing it.
If you ask me if I love you I'll have to plead the 5th. Don't want to incriminate myself.
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
When a gardener asks you how much you love them, you could try the effective – I love you from my head to-ma-toes.
What did the baby mouse do when she saw a bat?
She ran home and told her mother she saw an angel
What do a great hitter and a boxer have in common?
Both are serious sluggers.
Why shouldn’t you grab a werewolf by its tail?
It might be the werewolf’s tail but it could be the end of you!
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
How did the serve know when the bad serve was not with the hand? The server knew it was the foot fault.
I'm sorry I'll have to confiscate your driving license...
Because you are driving me crazy!
The lake did not like the river because it felt that the river was not very lake-able.
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
Are those Guess jeans? Because guess who wants to get into them.
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.
Whale, hello there.
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
If you were a Transformer you'd be Optimus Fine!
The only time a basketball team can chase a baseball team is five after nine.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
You can shiver my timbers anytime.
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
What’s a whale’s favorite movie?
The Humpback Of Notre Dame.
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
What is fire to a pyromaniac?
Just a warm-up.
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
Hey, are you Oscar? Because I really want to win you...
Mommy, Mommy, what’s a werewolf?
Don’t worry about that honey and comb your face!
How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amanda
Amanda who?
A man da fix your sink!
Rebel without a Claus.
What did Betula pendula tell her little sister when she was annoyed? Leaf me alone, birch.
Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?
Because he conditions it.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
What time does the Wicked Witch have her clocks set to?
Greenwitch Mean Time.
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.