I always tend to forget the french word for strawberry sometimes. But, then I eventually remember the fraise.
Are you a volcano? Because I lava you so much!
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
Who’s your paddy?
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
I think I might become an astronomer because I’m very fascinated with Uranus
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.
What part of the military do zombies serve in?
The marine corpse.
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
What do you call a fake Irish stone?
A shamrock.
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
Don't ignite your friends from behind, even if it's just a prank.
It will back fire for sure.
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
Basketball is the only sport where the basket is filled but never gets full.
My buddies bet me that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl on the river. Would you like to get a drink later with their money?
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
Just can't get away from my broken keyboard. There's no escape.
Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
This is one spray-cation to remember.
My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.
It’s forever burned in her mammary.
Where did Velociraptor buy things? At a dino-store!
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.
You and I make a deluxe combo.
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
If two vampires have a race, will it be neck and neck?
Babe, your beauty makes the morning sun look like the dull glimmer of the moon.
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom? Dam right they are.
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
Hey girl, feel my sweater. Know what it's made of?
Boyfriend material.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Are you my voice? Because I don’t want to lose you.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.