What board game do deer families always play?
Buck-gammon.
Do you play hockey? 'Cause I wouldn't mind poke-checking you.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
Where do horses get their weaves from?
Mane.
There are two reasons why you should never drink toilet water.
Number one. And number two.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t eat, drink, or even walk?
A computer mouse.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
Have you watched werewolves taking lunch, you will be amused, they literally wolf it down!
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
If you live in a purple-colored house and suddenly all the power goes off, then you should probably check the fuchsia box.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...
Careless Swissper.
Why can't corona virus jokes go viral?
Because people are laughing into their elbows.
Date a soccer player. We can go for 90 minutes and know 11 different positions.
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
Who’s at the door?
It’s snowbody.
They say that the local baker is the breadwinner of his family. True enough.
What did the foot say to the football?
I toed you.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Can you feel our love blossoming into a stable relationship?
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
Q. What did Ena say after Bambi was killed by a semi truck?
A. He will be dearly missed.
Are you from China? Cause I'm China get your number.
“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
What did the gorilla wear when he was cooking in the kitchen?
An ape-ron
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
What has four legs, four eyes, and a net? Four pirates looking for a lost parrot!
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
He was getting sweepy
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.
Why couldn’t the cat read a book? He was il-litter-ate!
Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."