What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
Flamingos are great to go out with, because they all party like flock stars.
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
The bus driver was so friendly and nice, it was a 'joy ride'!
Milk aliens have landed. They said 'take me to your litre'.
How do you wash clothes at the beach?
With Tide.
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
Bernadette.
This is too cliché, dear, but this is what I really feel, I love you to the moon and back.Copy0
What do you call a cold, angry pig? A ham-brr-grr.
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef
Finally, the soccer ball decided to quit the team. The reason behind its move was that it was tied of being kicked around.
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
What do you get if you cross a lemon with a dinosaur
Tyrannosourest Rex.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
What symbolizes a goat’s family tree?
A goat of arms.
We make a great pear
Can I buy you an Easter Egg?
What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
I’ve been getting blitzed all game.
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
You are really talented. You should join a punk-croc band.
I don't normally make the first move, but there was just something dif-fur-ent about you.
Read a story about two people who stole cars driving into each other.
Must have been Bonnie and Collide
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
Where should you never take your dogs shopping?
The flea market.
You’re the Higgs boson particle of my life… Because without you, my universe wouldn’t “matter.”
If you eat too many cherries, you can sometimes end up with digestive issues. It really is the pits.
Is your vocal range tenor? Because if there were tenor (ten of) you Iwould be very happy.
An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
Listen to them, children of the night. Let’s give them some competition.
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.
What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A bird that talks your ears off.
I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.