What is a koala’s favorite type of fruit? Bearies.
Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.
Why did the ghoul eat a light bulb?
Because it wanted a light snack!
Where do the keys on a keyboard go to have a good time
The spacebar.
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
What’s the healthiest piece of furniture?
The vege-table
What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!
It peels nice to be voted in as the most appeeling model in the contest.
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
(give a dozen plastic roses) "I'll stop loving you, when these roses die.
How about the stylish female crocodile, she's every inch a frock-o-dile.
What do crows read? Cawmics.
Whale, hello there.
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
I'm Havana dream about you.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
He has some good puns on crows, but he doesn’t have to keep crowing about it.
My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
Why did the other volleyball team bow? Because they heard that the queens of the court were there.
My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.
Why was the penguin so annoying?
Because he was always fishing for complements.
I scored when I met you.
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
The collective noun for kangaroos is a "troop". What is the collective noun for cars?
A Lot
Do you know how to dunk cookies? Ask a basketball chef.
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
I enjoy the cold weather
But only to a certain degree.
A 9 hour time difference wouldn't keep me from you.
Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his muscles so much when he was a kid?
He was a little Thor.
Got the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell..
I pulled up and she said, "what can I get you?" And I replied, "I'll just have a moment for now."
I was gonna walk barefoot through the yard.
But that would cause an ecological crisis.
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause, you look out of this world.
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous