“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless
What's the most popular American cheese sitcom? Curd Your Enthusiasm
For a fatty, you don't seem to sweat much.
Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you’re hot!
It's been a while since I heard jokes about people sitting on wet morning grass.
They're over dew.
When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.
In the last peach race, I put $30 peach way on two new racers.
You must be the iceberg from Titanic and I'm the ship because tonight we're gonna smash.
Let’s make like a banana and split.
It's been a hard day's night without your lovin', Oh darling.
Who's a witch's favorite movie director?
Steven Spellberg.
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
What did the Easter bunny say about the Easter parade?It was eggs-cellent.
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
Up until now, I always thought that all the cool mice would get together and live in my mousepad. Now when I know the truth, I feel quite broken.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide.
What do you call a handsome seal?
Mr. Seal Yo Girl.
If you were a tear drop, I would never cry for the fear of losing you.
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
"I just can't live with the pathetic tickles that you call thrusts anymore."
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!
What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
My Creeper gets excited when it sees how hot you look.(Minecraft)
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
What did the steak say when he came across his nemesis? Ah, we meat again!”
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
What do you call witches who live together?
Broom-mates.
Oh autumn, please don't ever leaf me again.
What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
Star Warts.
What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to open the door.
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
Why was the computer late to work? Because it had a hard drive!
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
Don’t give into beer pressure.