"There's something I've been wanting to say since the day we met - goodbye."
Have you heard about the new book all about flamingos? Apparently it’s flying off the shelves.
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
Are you British?
Cuz you just colonised my heart.
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
Why did you act like that at Thanksgiving dinner? I yam what I yam.
Ann and Andy's anniversary is in April.
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
What has 4 wheels and flies?
Garbage truck
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this?
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!
The Beavers have the ugliest house in the neighborhood.
It’s a dam shame.
I am out of chemistry jokes. I should zinc of a new one.
What’s Frankenstein’s favorite food?
Frankenfurters.
What's a frog's favorite candy?
Lollihops.
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
Wow Avery, love the name. Makes sense since you are Avery beautiful girl.
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
On Halloween night, the walking dead clones
Shuffle around with mumbled grunts and groans
But have no fear
When they come near
They would rather die, than turn off their phones!
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
What are the rules in zebra baseball?
Three stripes, and you're out.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
What did the steak say when he came across his nemesis? Ah, we meat again!”
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.
I think you and I could make a perfect Caleb-oration
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I’d be in a higher tax bracket.
I don't need Christmas lights, you're already shining so bright.
What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"
What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea?
A monstrositea.
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
What did the reindeer dad tell his son?
Deer to be different!
What does Bigfoot do to relax in his spare time?
He goes bird squatching!
How do planets staying busy during hunting season?
By shooting stars.
Call me Kathleen Wynne ‘cause I’d spend all my money on you.
Wow, you're undeniably exothermic! I bet you get that reaction a lot.