I would part the Red Sea for you.
Are you a taco?
Cause you sure taco lot
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.
What’s a shark’s favorite movie?
The Shaw-shark Redemption.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
Opposing coaches facing the Leafs in the 60s and 70s knew that Dave was the
one to Keon.
What’s a werewolve's favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas!
What did the Catholic Nectarine Priest say to the church? Peach be with you. It was a normal thing to hear from the pul-pit.
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
What did the Easter bunny say to the carrot?It’s been nice gnawing you.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
That Marchesa dress looks great on you...as a matter of fact, so would I.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
I use a crow to wake me up in the morning.
There’s caws for alarm.
Hannibal crossed the Alps because it was safer than crossing the elephants.
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I just was born with mine.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
"A Parent’s Prayer"
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,
Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!
– David Axton
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
What do you call a hippie's wife?
A Mississippi.
I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.
What did the beaver say to the river? You can run but can't tide.
What is a deer’s favorite after-school snack?
“Doe-nuts.”
Miners Refuse To Work After Death
"I just can't live with the pathetic tickles that you call thrusts anymore."
It's a-boat time for a holiday!
Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
What does a person with Covid like to drink?
Coughy.
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
What did the carp say to his crush?
Don’t play koi with me!
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.
Let’s act like we’re a couple of colonists and do a few intolerable acts together.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
Man: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
Woman: Maybe once. I never make the same mistake twice!
An error has occurred, please try again!
Oh sorry but my system can't process something beautiful like you.
Why did the telecommuter lose his job? He had to many hang ups.
Why can’t you screw with whales?
because they hump back.
Another cheese factory in France exploded...
I Camembert to hear this joke again!