Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
What do you call a happy penguin?
a Pen-Grin!
What do you call a bee you can't understand? A mumble bee.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
How is it that elephants are always ready for a swim?
They never forget their trunks!
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
What’s a dog’s favorite breakfast?
Woofles.
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms? Santa Claus and his reindeer.
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?
The living room.
What cartoon do horses like to watch?
Whinny the Pooh.
Where are koalas taken when they die? To an ancient bearial site.
What do you call referential cheese?
Feta.
What will you do when you will see a spaceman? You will simply park your car, man!
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
I love you from my head tomatoes.
Why did the bus driver stay out all night? He was 'driving' around town!
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
What's the difference between a BMW and a Cactus?
Pricks are on the outside of Cactuses.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I'd only have a dollar because you never leave my mind.
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
I’m no vampire but I’m fine with getting no sleep and biting your neck all night.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
Why are cats such great singers? Because they’re very mewsical
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.
Why are people buying so much toilet paper because of the corona virus?
Because when one person sneezes, 100 people shit themselves.
Seas the day.
You know what they say, wheat fields are made for sowing.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.
I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.
“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.
And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!
Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.
I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!
(Ilene Bauer)