What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
If I told you I worked at Home Depot, would you let me handle your tool?
My spiritual gift is my good looks. It lifts peoples spirits.
Knock Knock
Who’s there Justin Justin who? Justin time to make the donuts!
I told you snow.
I was gonna make a river joke, but I don't think it's current.
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
A lobster's favorite shot in tennis?
The lob.
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
Up for some action? I can finish with one touch.
Have you noticed that most wolf parties begin at around midnight? Well, it is not by coincidence, it is so that they can have a howling good time.
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
I’m Hazel-nuts about you
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?
Skele-tons.
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
My doctor says I should get my ears cleaned every 12 months.
I think he means ear-ly.
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
Ya gotta check it out. My water bed is full of beer.
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. “First offender?” the judge asked.
“No” she replied. “First a Gibson , then a Fender”.
I had to borrow my friend’s trumpet because I sounded too good on my own, and people would be jealous!
I didn’t want to toot my own horn.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
Did you hear the joke about the lumberjack, The sheep and the goat?
I wood tell ewe, but it’s a baaaaaad joke
Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaved clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
Make your own decisions this summer, don't give in to pier pressure.
Woah! What’s the name of THIS out-of-the-world body?
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
Q. Whay aren't gorillas afraid of zombies?
A. Because the ape-ocalypse doesn't frighten them.
Can I claim your baggage?
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
Hey girl. I won this gold medal, but I'd really like to win your heart.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
What kind of jokes do skeletons tell?
Humerus ones.
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.