Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
I don’t know about you, but I think helicopter rescue pilots have the best pick-up lines.
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
What does bread say to a friend after doing them a favor?
It’s the yeast I could do.
Bobby Bippy bought a bat.
Bobby Bippy bought a ball.
With his bat Bob banged the ball
Banged it bump against the wall
But so boldly Bobby banged it
That he burst his rubber ball
"Boo!" cried Bobby
Bad luck ball
Bad luck Bobby, bad luck ball
Now to drown his many troubles
Bobby Bippy's blowing bubbles.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.
How does a suit put his child into bed? He tux him in.
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
Are you the one who signed up for the pee club?
Because if so, urine.
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.
Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry
Who were the first cheese lovers ever?
Edam and Eve.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
A herd.
A herd who?
A herd you were home, so I came over!
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Why was the ghoul so smart?
He always ate brain food!
What month does every tree dread? Sept-timmmberrr!
Two skeletons are talking in a bar.
Skeleton 1: "Are you going to the funeral tomorrow?"
Skeleton 2: “Of corpse I am.”
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
Corona virus has caused our local supermarket to sell out of pasta.
All because of a fusilli people.
How do you spot a deer behind you? With hind-sight!
Babe can I get a cookie that tastes like you?
A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.
What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
Promise you won’t Char-leave?
What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
You: Can I borrow a quarter?
She: why? (if she says sure or something else get her to ask you why).
You: so I can call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
Girl, it makes sense and sensibility for us to go out.
A truck carrying Lego got into an accident on the motorway. No one knows what happened; the authorities are still trying to piece everything together.
I would love climbing to the peak of Mount Everest, but I do not see the point.
What do kids play when they can’t play with a phone?
Bored games.
I'm the pun King of Halloween.
It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.