Why did the skeleton have to testify in court?
Because he was a body of evidence.
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
Did the Lord take the thunder from the skies, and put it in your thighs?
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden.
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the ONe.
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
The cat’s out of the bag – I love you purry much.
Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?
They haven't had a gig yet.
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?
- Jim Slaughter
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
These voices in my head have been telling me to come over here and talk to you.
Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked “what’s upstairs?”
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk.”
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
Violinist Caught following a String of Robberies.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
If there's a will, there's a wave.
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
Hey girl, are you on the endangered species list? 'Cause baby you are one of a kind!
What is it like to get paid smoldering at the camera while wearing expensive clothes?
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion
What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!
Hey girl, you won’t need the Rosetta Stone to translate my love for you.
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.
What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
What kind of music do goats listen to?
Baaa-ch!
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.
I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
"If I win, I get to take you home. If you win, you can come home with me."
- Trees Lounge (1996)
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
Nathan compares to you
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
Do you have a mirror in your pocket?
Why, because you can see yourself in my pants?
No, because I wanted to check how I look before I hit on your hot friend.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
My boss has just fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
Oh well!! That's the end of my Korea.
Excuse me… Do these shoes make me look fast?
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon