What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing? “I’m not a people porcine.”
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
Resting Grinch face.
Why didn’t the horse buy a house?
The costs were mounting.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose!
If home is where the heart is, then my home is in you.
How do berries start off the fruity olympics? They cherry the Olympic torch around the globe.
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
To go with the floe!
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships
Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
John Travolta has been diagnosed with the Corona Virus.
He had chills that were multiplying.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Candice.
Candice who?
Candice be love that I'm feeling?
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a'la mode.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
What type of dog can use a phone?
A dial-matian.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
I like to reminisce about the surgeon who removed my spine.
Really takes me back.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
When did the pianist finally turn their life around?
After they hit Rockbottomoff.
Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"
What is a grammar vampire's least favourite drink?
Type-O.
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
Are you Jewish? Cause you IS RAELI HOT.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
What type of candy sent the skeleton to the hospital?
Jawbreakers.
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again?
All farts...are laughing gas.
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light