My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
Nice legging. Are you making a fashion statement? Because you got my attention.
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
Your smile is brighter than the fireworks on the 4th of July.
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
Rebel without a Claus.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
Where do monkeys go when they lose their tails?
To a retailer.
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
Why did the troll kiss the witch?
To keep her busy in love!
What type of person doesn’t like pizza?
A weir-dough.
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
What do you call the Tooth Fairy in a lamp?
A Hygenie.
I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.
Why did the fish cross the road?
The chicken had the days off!
I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
Why are goldfish orange?
The water makes them rusty.
Ariana look-out for someone to date? Because look no further!
"Fun"
I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.
– Leroy F. Jackson
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
If you were a math test, I would cheat on you.
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
I’m never board when I’m at the pool.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
I was going to make a joke about losing your senses due to COVID.
But I decided it was poor taste.
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
I’m very frond of you.
Wind turbine mechanics and engineers are very fond of the blew color!
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
Do you have any tape? Because I'm totally ripped.
The other day I put out a big dangerous open fire!
The other people on the hot air balloon didn't appreciate me for some reason.