An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
Up for some action? I can finish with one touch.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
Why do the ladies love baseball?
Because diamonds are a girl's best friend.
I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
What is a penguin racing driver’s favourite part of the car?
The Eggs-celerator.
Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
"Did you copy hers?" she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.
What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? Pillowcases.
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
Broken pencils are pointless.
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?”
He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there.”
You must be peanut butter because you're making my legs feel like jelly.
I’m diagnosing you to see if you’d make a good boyfriend.
What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?
No, seriously. This thing is scaring the heck out me.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite drink?
A juice pouch.
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
Why isn't the the koala a real bear? He doesn't have the right koalifications.
Is this a catch and release fishing session? Because I don't want to let you go.
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
The sun is just a big space heater.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
Canada is planning a mission to the moon
They're calling the spaceship the Apollo-G.
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
Are you a beaver? Because I like your tail.
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
How do you make a duck sing soul music?
Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers
My mother's mother hit the jackpot at the BINGO!!!
She's a grammy winner!
There's some cabanossi and cheese back at my house with ya name on it.
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C