A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.

Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.

What do you call a hobbit who has bad breath? He is known as Lord of Onion Rings!

Nice asteroids.

You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.

Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.

When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.

Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.

Are you a banana because I find you a peeling.

"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"

Why do mice have long tails?
Well, they’d look silly with long hair!

Whenever two vegetarians fall in love, you know that’s going to be a great pear. Now lettuce celebrate, because we all love vegetables.

Bacteria is the only culture some people have.

Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.

"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore

Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.

"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman

Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.

“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”

- Weird Science.

Are you a unicorn cause you are my fantasy.

I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"

When is the course too wet to play golf?
When your golf cart capsizes.

How do gorillas get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!

How do fish play the drums?
With Fish Sticks.

Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.

Ice cream trucks are pretty hardy, but they will break down if they drive over the rocky road.

If I told you I worked at Home Depot, would you let me handle your tool?

What do you get when you put the number 3.14 in the middle of the onions? You get o-pi-nions!

"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan

The green light at the road signal looked at the red light and said, "Don't look while I am changing".

One more thyme.

I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.

I can score more often than the average soccer player.

I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water...
It’s an untapped market.

What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?

Remember me? Oh I'm sorry how would you know me, we've met only in my dreams.

“Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log.”

Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.

What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.

Why do volleyball players join the military? They want to gain extra experience in the service.

A blond was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blond said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."

You are shrimply the best!

A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"

What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.

No, I'm not concerned about crows infesting my house...
It's actually just a mynah problem.

While the blues musician performed his most famous song, balloons of every color were released in the arena. Guess we may get to call it the 'House of Hues'.

I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.

It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.

A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.