Where does a snowman keep his money?
In a snow bank.

Why did the skeleton have a broken heart?
His Boney lay over the ocean.

My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”

When I said "God, Thank you for this delicious noodle soup", my dad said "Ramen".

There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.

What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.

What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!

"We found eggs in a hopeless place."

“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”

I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.

Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!

What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.

Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.

I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.

How do elves stay so skinny?
Elfy eating!

My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.

I tried to make it to the end of the rainbow but didn't due to lilac of effort.

What happened when the orange broke out of prison?
All heck broke juice.

Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.

I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house

"You are adorable, mademoiselle. I study your feet with the microscope and your soul with the telescope."
― Victor Hugo, Les Misérables

What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.

"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins

Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing

Want to show me how to make steamy greens?

I could’ve sworn I had your number. I guess you’re going to have to put it on my phone again.

I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.

Goat milk?

Are you a bowl of Lucky Charms? Because you appear to be magically delectable!

Who would win a game of hide and seek between a dalmatian and a tiger? The tiger because he wouldn't be spotted.

A blond was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blond said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."

What is a birch’s favorite dinosaur? The Tree
Rex.

What advice would you hear from a zombie?
- Never put your eggs into one casket.

Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.

No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.

I'd definitely let you join in my reindeer games.

I was going to try putting a mushroom into my cola. I wanted to be a my cola gist.

It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed

What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.

Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C

What type of weapon can you make with potassium, iron and nickel? A KniFe.

“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde

Is this a catch and release fishing session? Because I don't want to let you go.

"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay

Baseball point to ponder: Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" at the ballpark, if we're already there?

I've just thought of a really funny owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.

I’m diagnosing you to see if you’d make a good boyfriend.

If you come with me, I'll show you a hard day's night.

The snowman's favorite side dish is iceberg salad.