Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
What is the Easter Bunny's favorite drinking game?
Hop Scotch.
I like my girls like I like my Microsoft Word documents - Saved.
When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it
I told her it’s so he can cut corners
Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.
Do you know a bakery around? Because I would like to purchase a sweet like you.
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?
Burpees.
Have you heard of the story about the campanologist without arms?
Doesn't ring a bell.
What is a tornado's favorite movie? Gone With the Wind!
What’s a pig’s favorite color? Ma-hog-any.
I like celebrating Fathers' Day, but I'm not a dad.
I guess I'm just a faux pas.
When the cats and the bats are about
Many witches are near, no doubt
If one is in sight
And you're filled with fright
Don't worry - just yell out a shout.
Are you a unicorn cause you are my fantasy.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
No, I'm not concerned about crows infesting my house...
It's actually just a mynah problem.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice.
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus
How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?
He achieved escape velocity.
Why didn’t the lady skeleton wear a bikini?
Because she was big boned.
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?
He cleaned out every crook and nanny.
It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
Do you believe in love at first set? Or should I curl this barbell another 10 times?
What do you call a gestalt consciousness of plants?
A chive mind.
What martial art does Earth know?
Geo-Jitsu.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
Hey baby, I think I'm going blind. Because I can't see you anymore.
Hey you like cherry preserves ?
Never mind, its probably not your jam
Are you a musician? Because you make my heart go staccato.
They say that Disney World is "the happiest place on earth".
They've obviously never been in your arms.
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.