What do you call it when you plant a tree at each corner of a house?
A fourest.

“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista

This morning I saw a beautiful flower, and thought of you.

"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott

Dracula is vegan, he can't take any risks. One stake could kill him.

My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.

I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.

“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown

What did the pineapple say to the pineapple chunk? Stay golden.

I wanna Margaret your Thatcher.

What's in the middle of Paris?

R.

“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde

Where do meteorologists like to drink after work?
The closest ISOBAR.

What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.

How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!

Did you hear about the cow that committed murder? It was in cow-ld blood! How dairy.

What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?
One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.

What do spiritual gnomes say when doing yoga? Gnom-aste.

Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.

Is it hot in here, or is that just the Holy Spirit burning in you?

What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.

That's right; I'm as breathtaking as the Sydney Tower.

What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!

Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds.

What do you call a gorilla in a cement-mixer?
King Koncrete.

What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.

Let's be like Noah and do this as a pair.

What’s a llama’s favorite drink?
Llamanade.

Shell-abrate the good times!

I'll be kicking myself if I don't get to know you better.

I used to think that all radios had antennae, then I realized it was a stereo type.

The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.

I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.

I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.

(Unknown)

How did cars walk on to Noah’s Ark?

4X4.

A doctor walked into an exam room to see a patient with carrots sticking out his ears and broccoli up his nose.
The doctor said: “I can tell right away that you haven't been eating properly."

My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.

What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A Model T-Rex.

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain

What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.

If we were chromosomes, you’d be my homologous pair.

Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.

Baby you got the perfect route for me.

How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!

Can I bother you for an aspirin tablet? Just looking at you from across the room is giving me heart-related pains.

I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.

What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.

I’d be Ryan if I said you weren’t cute

How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.

Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.