If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
Wind turbine mechanics and engineers are very fond of the blew color!
I’m looking for my soulmate. Do you think you could Aiden my search?
What’s the easiest way to catch fish? Have someone throw it at you!
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
A muslim woman wanted to adopt a gorilla. Her husband wouldn't allow it.
He said, that's haram, bae.
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.
What did the Indian boy say to his parent before going into self isolation?
Mumbai.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.
Why are there fish at the bottom of the sea?
Because they dropped out of school.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
Which country hates Thanksgiving?
Turkey
Do you have any sunscreen? 'Cause you are burning me up!
What did mother werewolf say to the naughty boy werewolf?
- We're werewolves, not swear-wolves.
Why do mice need oiling ?
Because they squeak !
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
Are you doing Ananda Balasana, or are you just happy to see me, baby?
Where do bus drivers eat their lunches? In a traffic jam.
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lily.
Why did the volleyball player get sent to jail? Because he was set up.
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice.
Why should you never go back in time to alter the outcome of a football game?
You’ll be called for past interference!
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!
(William Cole)
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
Are you from China? Cause I'm China get your number.
What did the hamburger name his daughter? Patty!
Hey, how’ve you Ben?
The fact is your refractive index is greater than 2.42. That means you shine brighter than a diamond!
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
The game of golf is 90-percent mental…
And 10-percent mental.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
The sun is just a big space heater.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
What do you call an elf who steals Christmas present wrapping from the wealthy and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood.
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.