There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
I've got a Victrola in my bedroom. Want to listen to my Sinatra records together? We could slow dance
What do a mommy bee and a daddy bee make when they have alone time?
A babe-bee.
Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
Do you know what I did last night? I put Easter eggs in a heart shape for you to find!
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
Why was the nice guy such a lousy baseball player?
Because he never got to home base.
Where do ghosts go trick or treating? Dead ends.
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
Are you a bookmark? Because I keep rereading the pages you are on!
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
Hey, can I get your number so I can use you as an alibi?
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
Son: I was really Hungary and I ate the whole Turkey. There is only Greece left.
Me: I couldn’t Bolivia!
By any chance, is your atomic number 11? Well, it’s because you are sodium fine!
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
You must be Portuguese because I could Lisbon to that accent all night long.
Like a bouquet tied with twine, I can be yours if you will be mine.
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
These puns are turtle-y hilarious.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
Dublin over in laughter.
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
During the contribution’s session, the mushroom family never gave a lot. They were just two spore.
What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation
Why did the deer get braces?
He had buck teeth.
"You had me at merlot."
Roses are red violets are blue sugar is sweet and so were you... but now the roses are wilted the violets are dead the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.
I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eyes, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
The favourite day of the week for wolves is moonday.