What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
I don’t know what I’d do without you, but starting tomorrow I’m going to give it a try.
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
Wind energy is so popular. It has a lot of fans.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
It is not uncommon for elephants to start a stampede. Especially if they want to play for the Chargers.
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
My mate had an accident and lost his ear. The doctors were able to graft on a new one made of pig skin.
His hearing is now quite fine, but every now and then he gets some crackling.
"My cat doesn't like you."
You couldn't cut the s*xual tension in here with a Yellowknife.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.
What do you say to an astronaut looking for a car park
There's a spaceman.
Fairies just wand to have fun.
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
The other day I put out a big dangerous open fire!
The other people on the hot air balloon didn't appreciate me for some reason.
How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.
What did the cow say to his friend when they met twice in the same day? “What a cow-incidence!”
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.
Say it ain’t snow.
That boy narrated his-story really well.
It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
I was selling my bike and an interested buyer asked what’s lowest I’d go.
"About 3 mph," I said, "otherwise I’d tip over."
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
It is now a universal truth that actions speak louder than coaches.
It may just be a stage I'm going through, but I sure do love the trapdoors on set.
The thirty-three thieves thought that they thrilled the throne throughout Thursday.
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
What type of dog would be the best at portraying Tina Turner?
An Angela Bassett Hound.
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
Your Ph factor must be 14 because you’re the most basic need in my life right now.