Blind Woman Gets New Kidney From Dad She Hasn't Seen In Years
What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Ruthless.
I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.
I'll call it Leper-Con.
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
Why did the obtuse Triangle go to the beach?
Because it was more than 90°.
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
What do you call a girl who is standing directly in the middle of the court? Annette.
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
I'm not saying you're old, but if you were milk I'd sniff you first.
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Why did the Dalmatian have to go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.
It's ice to meet you.
Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
Why was the weightlifter upset?
She worked with dumbbells.
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
What is a zombie’s favorite shampoo?
Head & Shoulders.
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.
These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.
It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.
- Janice Canerdy
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
What is writing in sand called?
Sandscript.
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
These sea monster jokes are so funny.
They had me kraken!
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.
I knew a submarine sailor who wasn't very talkative or energetic
He was a subdued sub dude.
What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
Is your name Ariel? Because we mermaid for each other.
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!
Roll over. I'll scratch your belly.
I went to a theater performance done on a bunch of dictionaries the other day...
It was a play on words.
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
I hate worms and snakes because they have no feet.
You might say that I am lacktoes intolerant.
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup
Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north
Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon
Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book
Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg
(Mike Gentile)