If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
Who did the Caribbean jerk fall in love with? The Spice Girl next door.
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lily.
How do crabs evade taxes?
They set up shell corporations.
What does the father deer say to the mother deer to show his love?
“I love you deerly!”
Their engagement is yet to be made offishell.
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
After I helped a peach with some work, she said, "I really ap-peach-iate your help!"
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
The success in this sport is not how you bowl, but how you roll.
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
What do you call an old snowman? A creek.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Excuse me, but I think I dropped something! My jaw.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
Why would an oreo cookie need to visit a dentist? To get a filling replacement.
What do you call two cookies from the same cookie sheet who fall in love? A batch made in heaven.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.
Why did the river refuse to join the sea? Because the sea was salty.
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
What did the sink say to the water faucet?
You’re a real drip.
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
I bet you don’t talk to strangers. But, if you had my number in your phone book, we wouldn’t be strangers anymore.
Q. Which kind of ape enjoys smoking tobaco?
A. Cigarilla.
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
What is the collective noun for cars?
Pack of cars.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty-second pause, I asked, "You still there, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now"
Come, let’s measure the coefficient of friction between us.
What did the dog say when he sat down on sand paper?
Rough.
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
I had to carry a group of crows once.
It was murder on my back!
You're a beluga in this sea of cod.
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
I can't let it be until I get your number.
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
I hope to someday be your emergency contact...
What do you call Chewbacca when you have chocolate stuck in your hair?
chocolate chip wookiee.