Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
The pun class we attended totally tortoise nothing.
Avoid pier pressure.
What month always asks questions and permission?
May!
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!
What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.
When I was younger, I dressed up as a frog and robbed a bank.
That was the first time that I Kerm-itted a crime.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
I installed a sky light in my apartment.
The people upstairs were not happy at all.
Why did the orange turn into orange juice?
It couldn’t handle the pressure.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
Are you religious?
Because your prayers have just been answered.
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Are you a classic? Because my love for you is timeless.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?
hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter
Baby, if you were a fruit you'd be a Fineapple.
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
It is really rare to find the most perfectly cooked steak.
You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.
Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
What does a meditating egg say?
Ohmmmmmmmlet.
I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.
What does a chicken need to lay an egg every day?
Hen-durance.
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
What do you call a glove combined with a snake?
Smitten.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
What drink scares defense lawyers? Guilt-Tea.
What's an prisoners favorite battery? Duracell Why are inmates so angry all the time? Cause they have bad cell service.
Why did the run-on sentence think it was pregnant? Its period was late.
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
Do you have an inhaler? Because you took my breath away.
Wanna hear a joke about a staccato?
Never mind, it’s too short.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
Having a dirt yard instead of grass is a bold move...
But having a giant rock is boulder.
What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.