What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).
What’s the best view you can get in our galaxy? A view of the milky way from mars.
Got the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell..
I pulled up and she said, "what can I get you?" And I replied, "I'll just have a moment for now."
He couldn't get over his dead wife, so he got a new computer
Now he can processor.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.
How was the lepre-con caught?
By an under-clover police officer!
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
If I live to a hundred and two, I won't let nobody sting me but you
I’m not lion when I say you’re my mane.
Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.
Where do computers go to dance?
The disk-O.
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.
People were really sour about it.
What do you call a cold, angry pig? A ham-brr-grr.
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!
Wanna partner up so we can test the spring potential of my bed mattress?
I froze some raspberries last summer. You're hot enough to defrost them.
You remind me of Halley's Comet. I don't wanna see you again for another 74 years.
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
What do Krakens eat?
Fish and ships.
Two racquets started dating. Unfortunately, one was stringing the other along without any intention of tying the knot.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck... It was a camel tow
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."
Officer: “I’m sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”
Me: ”Yeah I know, but she’s got a great personality though!”
H20 is water, but what is H204?
It’s for swimming and drinking, of course.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
A company from Israel took over the Greek national cheese factory in Greece
Now it's called the Cheeses of Nazareth.
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld