I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.

Denise sees the fleece,
Denise sees the fleas.
At least Denise could sneeze
and feed and freeze the fleas

"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."

What do they call the fairy in the Mexican version of Peter Pan?
Taco Bell.

Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.

Wow you’re the most beautiful girl I Eva seen

Corona virus is just like pasta.
The Chinese invented it but the Italians will spread it all over the world.

“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx

Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.

She sells seashells by the seashore.

I can sea clearly now.

What did the nectarine boxer say to his opponent? "You want a peach of me?"

A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.

He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."

When the cow forget how to give milk, she was udderly confused.

There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea

“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame

Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.

I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland

“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English

What do you call it when you spill your drink all over a piano?
Rag time.

Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?

No, with a knife.

"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck

Why would a judge make a good tooth fairy?
Because they want the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.

The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.

“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”

― A.A. Milne.

What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.

Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.

Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.

Did you hear the joke about the donut? Probably not, it was crummy!

The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.

I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.

Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.

I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.

I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.

What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory

Are you from a fairytale? Your beauty is magical

All theatres love to see scarecrows out in the audience as reviewers! They're simply outstanding in their field.

I like rivers very much. I was watching a live stream earlier.

What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"

Maybe you need a little Vitamin ME in your life.

Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because you take my breath away.

Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!

Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court …
The game would be cancelled.

How do bats tell their future? They read their horrorscope.

“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson

The big cat was known around town to wear a lot of funky ties. Everyone called him the tie-ger.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I’d go into thousands of dollars of crippling debt just to examine you!

What did the ghost do at the red light? He came to a dead stop.

Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.