“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
What do you call a Minotaur in a playground?
A swing and a myth.
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
Every morning when I leave home, a bike comes from somewhere and runs me over. It’s a vicious cycle.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.
When this planet is invaded by the aliens, I’d still hold your hand.
Filming in cemetery angers residents - The Evening Standard
Recently in a meeting at the greengrocer I work at, I asked my manager how he was doing. "Just peachy", he replied.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.
What did the librarian say to the beaver who wanted to read a help book? You can try by-rowing it.
With all this talk of Corona Virus, the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together.
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
What did the baby mosquito say after his first flight?
“Mama, mama! Did you see that? Everyone was clapping for me!”
I'm afraid you can't pass this point, 'cause you're a bomb, Baby.
What did the fawn say to warn her friend about the haunted house?
“Don’t go deer!”
It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
What do you call a dentist in the army? A drill sergeant
Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.
Why had the beaver left the pond? He thought it was too shallow.
The way you wear that sarong, it should be called a saright.
They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them!
I prefer mine poached.
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
What did the bat complain about?
Flying with such frequency was exhausting.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
What are you doing for the rest of your afterlife?
What happens if you run in front of a car?
You get tired.
What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
The artist was great. He could always draw a crowd.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
I've just invented a new Canadian beer
It's a form of I.P.Eh
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.