Me: When is your birthday?
She: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* When is your birthday?
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
What is a deer’s favorite after-school snack?
“Doe-nuts.”
I don't want to make the faux-paw of coming on strong, but your dog is so adorable, I couldn't resist.
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
I love you so fairy much.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite video game, well it's definitely 'Super Princess Peach'.
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
Hey baby, can I roll up your rim?
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
What does a spy do in the rain?
He goes undercover.
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
I feel the rush upon eating chocolate whenever I hold your hand.
What happened when Frankenstein’s monster first met his girlfriend?
It was love at first fright.
Why is there no COVID cases in Antarctica
Because it’s so ice-o-lated
Someone left their tea on my desk. It smells so good, but I won't drink it. That's just not my cup of tea.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white?
Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa?
A Christmas Quacker.
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
I never need to see the sun again because your eyes light up my world.
How do you measure the circumference of a Sheep?
Shepherds Pie
Resting Grinch face.
You're so fine that I wouldn't care if you were dead or alive!
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
Your name is insert name here?
It's hunting season and fox like you shouldn't be out in the open!
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
Would you mind loaning me a quarter? I want to call my mother and tell her I just met the woman of my dreams.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
You’re just like the black line at the bottom of the pool– I’d be lost without you.
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
What do you call young avocados?
Avokiddos.
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
I’m not a photographer, but I can definitely picture your number on my phone.
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
By the seat of one’s punt
What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.
Why don’t fish play basketball?
Because they're afraid of the net.