Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
After all is sled and done.
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
Are you a beaver? Beause daaaaaaaaam!
Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
What did the egg do when it saw the frying pan?
It scrambled.
There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
If kisses were raindrops, I'd send you a hurricane.
Ireland you money, if you’ll pay me back.
Why was the piano laughing?
Because I was tickling his ivories
Where does a fisherman go to get his hair cut?
The fisherman goes to a bobber shop!
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
My colleague kept on missing deadlines, so I advised him not to bite off more than he can blue!
Why wouldn’t the squirrel collect the oak’s acorns today? She called in sick and then went to the beech.
I stopped for lunch at a German restaurant, but unfortunately got food poisoning. It really was the wurst.
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs?
Gracias.
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”.
As if people don't know what a yacht is for.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
Why did the detectives suddenly appear at the concert at the beach?
Something fishy was going on.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
What do you call a cow that doesn’t produce any milk? A milk dud!
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
It may seem a bit corny but we appreciate you working your tail off for us.
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
Why do you need a password to make a camp fire?
So you can log in.
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
What's a pickle's favorite book?
To Dill A Mockingbird.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fangs
Fangs who?
Fangs for letting me in!
What do you call a gangsta snowman?
Froze-T.
How do you kill a southern vampire?
You bless his heart.
What’s every ice cream parlor owner’s side hustle?
Sundae school teacher.
The best holiday for you to go bowling is thanksgiving because you will get turkeys.
You look pretty cool, I hope you don’t lead me Jack to square one
What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.
What game do little bats like to play?
Batty fight.
What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.
How could the skeleton tell that rain was coming?
He could feel it in his bones.