“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”

- Martin Mull.

If a young goat learns a martial art, are they a karate kid?

What type of blood does a keyboard have?
Typo.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”

That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.

“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon

Last night the river was arrested. The river was accused of illegal streaming.

After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.

Why did the pig get fired? Insu-boar-dination.

My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.

Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.

What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!

Why did the police arrest the star? That’s becuase it was a shooting star.

What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The Spaghetties-burg Address.

Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.

What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas

"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."

I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.

What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.

What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.

You must be my coronary artery because you’re wrapped around my heart.

"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown

What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.

The rancher's Wifi wasn't working so he moved the router to the barn...
Now he has a stable connection

What’s a werewolve's favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas!

A zebra is the safest place to cross the road. Unless you are actually a zebra.

What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.

What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death

Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up

And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear

Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!

Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!

(By Rick W. Cotton)

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Mikey.
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole.

"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the the peep hole and find out.

"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.

My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.

Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie

What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.

"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon

What was the most flexible dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Flex.

What do mountain climbers share around the campfire?
Goat Stories!

I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.

It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.

Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.

I think, therefore I’m single.

Are you the black line at the bottom of the pool? Cause I can’t tear my eyes away from you.

“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”

- Wayne H

What do you call a girl who is standing directly in the middle of the court? Annette.

What color are military submarines?
Deep navy

I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon

“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll

Can you teach me how to use this machine?