“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
Do you happen to know sign language? Because this is the last time you’ll hear from me.
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
[Beer] This is my number one draft pick.
I feel tail great!
I tried to hit the picture cleanly over the fence, but it was framed.
What's the opposite of a positive crocodile?
A negator
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.
Why should somebody who's just out of rehab think twice before going on a skiing holiday?
Because it's a slippery slope.
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!
I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
Hey, want to get together sometime since we both have unpaired electrons?
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
Winnie the PU!
Did you hear about the bread party? It’s scone be a lot of fun, and wheat love for you to join us.
What happens when a Mexican gets to the worm? He passes out.
If dolphins lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland!
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
Girl you are rocking this run.
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Shamboo.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
But his brother Frank was a monster.
Don’t give into beer pressure.
What do you call a T-Rex that gets into a fight with the Indominus Rex? Dino-sore.
What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
Why is learning to ski in France so difficult?
'Cause sometimes they won't Alp you.
How did the shark plead in the murder case?
Not gill-ty.
What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
What it is it called if you refuse to go running today?
Resistance Training!
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever.