What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
We pass expectations, set the standards and kill the competition. This is definitely one of the best volleyball puns to use as your team’s motto.
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
Can I be one of the men in your box?
I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
Is your name pronounced Ee-an, or Eye-an? I hope it’s the latter cuz I’ve got my Ian you
I’ll never fir-get.
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death
Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up
And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear
Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!
Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!
(By Rick W. Cotton)
How do you describe a polite german lemon?
Bitte(r)
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
Why did the banana go to see the doctor? The banana was not peeling very well.
"You're totally scrambling my brain."
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
I read a story about pig anatomy.
It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tale.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
I bet you sound like a Tasmanian Devil in bed.
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
Sleigh, what?!
Can you run with me so I can tell my friends I've ran with an angel?
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite game, it's peach ball.
Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
Why was Mozart a child prodigy?
All his early pieces were in A sharp minor.
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!
Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?
They strung him up, but he didn't fret.
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
It's just a lot of croc 'n' roll.
What do you call a watermelon that spends all day at the beauty spa? Must be a hottermmelon.
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
Q. How do you describe the inate behavior of a new mother deer?
A. Doe-ting
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.