Why was the man with a beard in pain?
Because he had a must ache.
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
Q: What is a peach’s favorite book?
A: War and Peach
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.
Apparently, it was a Dyson.
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Theodore!
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open so I knocked
Why’d you dress up as a princess, when you could have simply come in plain clothes as the most beautiful girl at the Halloween party?
Are you Jewish? Cause you IS RAELI HOT.
My dad died on Thanksgiving whilst eating dinner.
Fowl play was suspected.
Why was the little bear so spoiled?
Because its mother panda’d to its every whim!
Why did the junkie adopt a one legged crow?
So he could get crow cane from his vet.
What are you doing this saturday? I've got a football match, but I'd rather score with you
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
Your fur is red, so beautiful, like an angel in disguise.
There’s an old oak near my house that’s always surrounded by fog.
I don’t know why, it’s a mist tree.
Let’s get drinks this weekend. Are you Lilli-an, or Lilli-out?
A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
I was at the beach today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”
I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
“Did you know that Father Christmas has a daughter? Her name is Mary Christmas.”
In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.
What is it called when a dinosaur hits a homerun?
A Dino-Score.
Why will you not want to give a bath to the Saturn? It would then leave a ring around the tub.
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
What did the dolphin say to its friend who wouldn’t stop lying?
Stop spouting nonsense!
You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.
What happened when the guitars got in a fight?
They got in treble.
We’re calling your number.
What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.
The scientist was meticulous about his strawberry pies. He rounded up the protein content of his pie at 3.14.
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."
Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
Why did the confused gnome decide to see a shrink?
Because he had low elf-esteem.
The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.
Deaf mute gets new hearing