A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set
What's wrong with those big game hunters?!
Is that a mirror in your Bible? Because I see you reflecting Christ.
How does a hen leave its house?
Through the eggs-it.
You feel like that old book tucked away in a corner – one look at it still makes my heart skip a beat.
Are you being a ghost for Halloween, or are you just my boo?
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
What do you call a herd of undead llamas?
The zombie alpacalypse.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
What kind of cheese do rodents like?
Mousearella.
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
May I ride your broomstick? I lost mine.
My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak
What does a vampire need for making breakfast in the morning?
Pancake batter.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
Would you sleep with me for $100? I could really use the money.
Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
Sorry, but I can only be with you twice.
That's Now...and Forever.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
All things must grass.
A friend went in to his garden, dug a hole in the grass and filled it with water. I think he meant well.
How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
Q. What do you get if you cross a deer with an Aussie Joey?
A. A buck-er-roo.
"Do you have a cell phone I could use?"
"Why?"
"Someone has to call God and tell him that one of his angels is missing."
- Couples Retreat (2009)
I haven’t owned a watch for I don’t know how long.
There’s an earthquake in my heart, and you’re the epicenter.
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
What do baseball players eat at White Castle?
Sliders.
Why are flowers so good at problem-solving?
They know how to nip things in the bud.
What did the flower tell his son before a big game?
I’m rooting for you.
How do rabbits travel?
On hareplanes!
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
Even The Beatles think that we should "Come Together." "Right now."
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
That Kenyan black smells wonderful! May I try it? Normally I stick to English Breakfast, but I’m always open to experimenting.
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
What is the collective noun for cars?
Pack of cars.
Volleyball is air affair. This would be a good motto for your team.
What is a grandma sheep called?
A baaaa-nana
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
My skate blade is not the only thing made of steel.
You must be marked Prestissimo… because you’re dashing.