A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him, "is that a Fret"?

I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?

What did fog do to make the captain angry? He mist the boat.

Hold the sugar, please. You're sweet enough for me.

Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
It's a faux pa.

What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!

Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.

Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.

Who is the most famous actor in Greece ?
John Travolta.

Why do you think is the moon bald? Because it has no ‘air.

“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown

“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel

I have no shelf control.

On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.

I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.
Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.

What’s a snake’s strongest subject in school?
Hiss-tory.

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers

“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger

You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea.

It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.

Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.

How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.

I can figure out the square root of any number in less than 10 seconds. What? You don’t believe me? Well, then, let’s try it with your phone number.

I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.

Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque

Hardcore programmers will agree that neither of them would use AC because they all prefer to open windows.

What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.

What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!

People with a cold - "I just want to stay in bed and do nothing, I feel terrible."

People with Corona Virus - "I feel terrible, I think I will go skiing in Austria, visit the Eiffel Tower and maybe do some white water rafting in Camino de Santiago."

Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.

The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!

Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.

As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.

So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.

But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!

- Denise Rodgers

Are you a beaver? Beause daaaaaaaaam!

All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?

Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school

Can’t take my eyes off of her brewtiful face.

Girl, you're so expensive, my insurance is requiring prior authorization before our first date.

What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell.

“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday

Why did the pony turn himself in?
He felt rem-horse.

What do dogs and Santa have in common?
They are both seen Dachshund through the snow.

"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry

Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.

What side of a tiger has the most stripes? The outside.

Unicorns deserve to be banned from facebook because all they do is poke people all day.

I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.

“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan

Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.

Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."

On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"

What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing