We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
Has Spotify contacted you yet? Because you are the hottest single in this club.
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you're CuTe.
What do you call a dog that comes back from the dead?
A zom-beagle.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
A ship wanted to travel from the Pacific to the Arctic
But it just couldn't get its Bering Strait.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
If you were a math test, I would cheat on you.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.
(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
Vampires are too easy to play jokes on. Suckers.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? Oh, nevermind. It was over your head...
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind that blows a tall guys onto a basketball court?
A: The NBA draft
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
Casketball.
Did you hear about the secret guild of bakers? They say that they only trade recipes on a knead to know basis.
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
Why did the ghoul bury the trophy?
Because he wanted it engraved!
What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.
What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
What did the Jedi tell the sacred tree? May the forest be with you.
What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit? One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!
I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?
The wind had such a great time. You could say it had a blast.
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
There's nothing humble about my warrior.
Why did the deer go to the spa?
“To doe off some steam!”
Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
What’s a dog’s favorite breakfast?
Woofles.
What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
Did you hear the plum joke? A: It was pitiful.
The art teacher encourages her students to move in the light direction.
The ocean made me salty.
A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
The painting was framed, so the cops arrested it.
I want to start a deer breeding business…
But first, I’m gonna need about 5,000 bucks.
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”