What chord does jesus play on guitar?
Gsus
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
Here’s the game plan: [party details]
With salsa, cheese dip, and guac, our bowl game is hot.
A mother mountain says to her moody teenage mountain “don’t you give me that altitude!!”
What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
What's grandma's favorite fruit?
a Ba-nana.
Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.
Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.
What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.
(Martin Dejnicki)
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.
"I'm not a stop along the way. I'm a destination."
- Gossip Girl
I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
Are you my lines? Because I could never forget you.
What do you call it when your nose is stuffy at the rodeo?
Cowboy Boogie.
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
Which is the bar downtown that soccer players hate striking on? Crossbar.
I told the person who was playing my trumpet,
To stop pushing my buttons.
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
What do you call a pig who does karate?
A pork chop.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)
What do you get when you cross a cow and an earthquake?
Milkshake.
What did the pickle say when he was told he was going in to a salad?
I relish the thought.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
Don't worry, the Corona Virus won't last long... It was made in China.
Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the ONe.
What is the best breakfast cereal to eat in the winter?
Frosted Flakes!
What is a vegetable's favourite part of the song?
When the beet drops!
If a star fell for every time I thought of you, the sky would be empty.
From a frog: Hey baby, it's a future rose from a future prince.
Q. After the stripper is done, what happens at a stag party?
A. Deer-ty dancing.