What do you call an 'O' on fire?
Flamingo.
These thousand tricky tongue twisters trip thrillingly off the tongue.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
I just had a pint of kangaroo beer
It was a bit too hoppy for me
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
I just lost my job and may be Baroque, but that doesn't mean I can't show you a good time.
You asked me what love was and I did not know how to answer it. Now I know it's a feeling that can not be mastered.
Why does Valentine's Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.
Call me a winner because it looks like I’ve won the Sophie
What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack
Did you hear about the guy who got killed by a bear?
It was a grizzly death.
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
“Why did they ask the turkey to join the band? He had the drum sticks.”
Tigers are bad at basketball because they have only four feet.
I think you are suffering from a lack of Vitamin Me.
Where does a zombie get a spare body part
Second hand.
"You know, it's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen foods section—because you could melt all this stuff."
- Steve Martin, My Blue Heaven (1990)
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.
Are you a beaver? Beause daaaaaaaaam!
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
Why are Minotaurs always broke?
Because their loan sharks are always milking them dry!
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
Pan wants to lead his kind to rebellion, but...
He can't get no Satyr Faction.
-
Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
[Food Spread] This is the line of scrumptiousness.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Runny!
What happens when you cross an iron with a telephone? You get a smooth signal.
Did you hear about the secret guild of bakers? They say that they only trade recipes on a knead to know basis.
He’s my pinch charming.
Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make
Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.
Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.
Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.
(Joanna Davis)
What's more amazing than a talking turkey? A spelling bee!