The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
What’s a goat’s favorite TV show?
America’s Goat Talent.
Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?
A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
Hey Anna, how about you Anna I grab a drink sometime?
You are so good at jogging, you came straight for my heart.
Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.
What did the snail say to the other who had hit him and run off? I'll get you next slime!
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
What type of candy sent the skeleton to the hospital?
Jawbreakers.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gorilla!
Gorilla who?
Gorilla burger! I've got the buns!
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
What happened when the cargo ship full of books sank?
It caused a title wave!
Q: Why was the cloud so dark and stormy?
A: It was feeling mis-thunder-stood.
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
What did the conifer say when he finally got alone with his crush? It’s just yew and me, baby.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant.
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
I’m not usually one for Austin-tatious pickup lines, but I decided to make an exception for you.
"Don't worry, be hoppy."
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
What kind of werewolf can track down flowers ?
A bud hound
I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!
I’m throwing a COVID-19 party this weekend.
None of you are invited.
Why did the uncouth spud not stop talking during the football game?
Because he was a common-tater.
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
Wine puns. They're always in pour taste.
Irish you a whole pot of gold!
Mom: Did you watch the movie with the little pumpkins?
Dad: I stopped it early because it was too gourdy for me.
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
Visitors are Doolin over these gorgeous views.
Curling? More like curling up next to you in bed, am I right?
You’ve got beauty like Petit Champlain and curves like Bonhomme.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed The Needy
Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!
What did the father cantaloupe say to his son?
“Watermelon! (Water-my-lawn)”
My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Honeybee.
Honeybee who?
Honeybee a dear and open the door, please.