What day to eggs hate the most?
Fry-day.
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
"learn to play piano by ear!"
"Thanks, I'd rather use my fingers."
What did the pastry chef say when a banana cream pie he made completely satisfies a tyrannical ruler?
It hit despot.
Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten?
KELP!
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
To everyone in the Christmas Tree industry
You all do a great job! Stand up and take a bough!
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
Hi, my name's Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?
Q: What do you call a windmill swallowed up by a tornado?
A: A wind meal
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
You have one compact set.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
A flamingo can be a really good friend to have. However, they generally fit the bill really well.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
Military submarines are a deep navy blue in color.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Avenue.
Avenue who?
Avenue knocked on this door before?
Roses are red, potatoes are brown; you are my favorite spud in the whole town!
Sorry to bother you, I think I dropped my heart here. Can you pick it up?
What is a koala’s favorite soft drink? Koka-Koala, of course!
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
My spiritual gift is my good looks. It lifts peoples spirits.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
John, look me in the eyes. All of my life I needed a strong, good looking, confident man and you
are the one who can help me find someone like that.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
Gold riddance.
Hey girl, I've got an extensive collection of solution manuals. Can I get your number?
Ice simply love it when it snows!
When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!
If kisses were raindrops, I'd send you a hurricane.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren