When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber? Your number.
What did one fish say to the other?
If you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
The last four letters of 'queue' are not silent
They're just waiting their turn.
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age
and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the chicken.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh
It is not really much about how you bowl, but instead how you roll.
Life without you would be un-bear-able.
Here's a raisin. Sorry if it is not enough but I can give you a date on Saturday.
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
What happened to the skier who was injured the the top of the peak?
It's been all downhill from there.
McDonald’s fired CEO Steve Easterbrook has already got a new job at Old McDonalds farm.
He's their CIEIO.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.
I don’t want your candy, what I really want is your number.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!
Where my prose at?
Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.
Cell phones are a static symbol.
What is a zombie's favorite kind of weather?
Brainstorms.
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
Call me Hamstring, 'cause you've pulled.
A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didn’t show up.
He was charged with attempted murder.
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
Lost on a mountain, you can collect rainwater to drink during storms.
Otherwise, you just have to make dew.
What do you call 2 fruits that can't get married?
Cantelopes.
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
What did the man do when he dropped his violin?
He quartet...
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"
Why did the golfer need new socks?
Because there was a hole in one.
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
If I’d give you eleven roses, what would you see in the mirror? A dozen roses.
I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.
How do you get dragon milk?
Find a cow with no back legs