“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
Why was the broom late? It over swept!
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
What’s the difference between a dog and a gator?
A dog’s bark is worse than its bite.
What are your times? Because I can show you the time of your life.
It's not you...it's your taste in music.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.
You just have to have cell coverage.
What did the ghost knights say to the cloud king?
Our souls will rain forever.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
I ain't greedy baby, all I want is all you got.
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.
How does a penguin get around?
By icicle.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
If you need to share out your to-do list, just be a dele-gator.
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne.
What's a chess player's favourite starter?
Pawn cocktail.
Bigfoot saw me today
I bet nobody believes him.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
What do you call a witch who drives badly?
A road hag.
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer? A loose Canon.
“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Man: Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Woman: Do you know what'd look good on you? Nothing.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn’t work.
Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
I always have a ball with you.
You’re the gravy to my turkey.
What kind of books do owls read?
Hoo-dunnits.
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.