“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?
He won't inhale.
Are you a Pepsi? Because you're so-da-licious!
What is a good place for bat jokes?
A public bat room.
Did you hear about the sick juggler? They say he couldnt stop throwing up!
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?
When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
What kind of bean never grows in a garden? A jelly bean!
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
Why did the chicken go to KFC?
He wanted to see a chicken strip.
Why do pandas love watching classic movies?
Because they are in black and white.
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk?
Two pandas on holiday.
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
What did the cheese say after escaping the mouse? I'm Brieeee!
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
Your presence gives meaning to my yoga practice and enlightenment.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a'la mode.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
I was going to make another mountain pun but I can't think of summit.
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
Even The Beatles think that we should "Come Together." "Right now."
What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Ant-elope.
What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?
They ketchup.
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
If I walked a milimeter for everytime I thought of you, I would have walked across the Earth a million times.
Q: Why did the tiger cross the road?
A: To stop the zebra crossing.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
Nowadays, people drought the accuracy of weather men because the climatic patterns are so unpredictable.
People order potatoes a lot because they look a-peeling on the menu.
What time do zombies wake up?
At ate o’clock!
You must be a library book because I can’t stop checking you out.
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
What did the hummus say to the pita bread when he got sick?
I falafel.
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
What does a koala do before making any kind of appointment? He always checks his koalander.
Can you put some hot sauce on my enchilada, I need some spice in my life.
Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.
Why do bee keepers have beautiful eyes?
Because they hold bees. (Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder)
Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
Why did the fisherman start doing drugs?
Pier pressure.