We have a great connection since you’re wifi-material.
A truck carrying Lego got into an accident on the motorway. No one knows what happened; the authorities are still trying to piece everything together.
What day to eggs hate the most?
Fry-day.
Green glass globes glow greenly.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
Why was the food critic fired?
They didn't reference their sauces
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
Do you want to hear a joke about a bolt of lightning?
Actually, maybe not. The end is rather shocking.
Want to see the real coming attraction?
How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
If you toss it in the water and it sinks, it’s a girl. If the ant floats, it’s a buoyant.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
What do you get when you cross a shark with a snowman?
Frostbite.
"I treated this relationship like my diet, one cheat day a week."
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano?
I really lava you!
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
Cherries go all out when they go to festivals. You’ll probably see loads of them, running around in pie-dyed shirts.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus
I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!
What did the bowling pins do?
They went on strike.
What's a pun's best trait?
His pun-ctuality!
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
Why didn’t the teddy bear want any dessert?
He was already stuffed.
Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...
What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop Music.
What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman