Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
I bet you don’t talk to strangers. But, if you had my number in your phone book, we wouldn’t be strangers anymore.
What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
What did the deer say after she saw her Amazon bill?
“I spent too much doe!”
This Valentine's day, I decided to pay extra and buy flowers that look after themselves.
They are Self Raising.
What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks? a Roman Catholic
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.
It was the pizza de resistance.
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
Well well, you’ve John and got my attention for sure
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I'd have a cow pie in my eye.
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Imma.
Imma Who?
Imma gettin’ old open the door!
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Impatient cow.
Impatient cow wh-?
Mooooo!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Honeydew.
Honeydew who?
Honeydew know who fine you're looking?
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"
Knock Knock
Who's There?
I eat grape.
I eat grape who?
You eat grey poo!
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
Who cast the spell of sleep on Dorothy? It was the wicked witch of rest.
"For peep's sake."
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
70 percent of the human body is made up of water and im very thirsty.
Hello... I've been admiring your bacterial signature.
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
What do you called a crow that cant find his way?
A lost caws
Man: Any Generic Pick Up Line
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It’s a little flat.
What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...
You're like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life.
Hey Cameron, did you know your name was an anagram for romance?
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
I’m going green, if you know what I mean.
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.