What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Two 4's.
Two 4's who?
No need to make lunch we already 8.

How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.

"The longer we are together, the less serious I am about you."

I would never precede you with "which," baby, because you are essential to this clause.

I don’t wanna taco ‘bout it

Flowers like our minds, open at the right time. Mine has opened to receive your love.

Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"

Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns?
He was a small-arms dealer.

I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.

Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in a school.

Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.

What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses? Tulips.

What's your hurry, baby? I Just want to take things Oslo.

What does it feel like to be the most gorgeous girl in the room?

What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.

Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock

“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw

What do cats do after watching a play? Give a round of a-paws.

I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.

An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.

Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.

"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".

If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.

Would Gretzky have changed his name in order to play in Mexico?
Yes, The Great Juan did what it takes.

Why was the Navy Seal sad?
He doesn't like the color blue.

Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.

Why are big boats called "Yachts"?
Because they cost "Yachts of money".

Forget about watermelons, I heard having a windmelon your property is the best way to get clean and renewable electricity.

I'm Claus-trophobic.

If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”

- Ernest Hemingway.

We should've guessed the failed postman wouldn't be any better at delivering his acting lines.

You know I'm da man you been wading for.

How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.

Long thyme no see.

What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!

The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.

What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!

I’m considering a modulation… Because I want to come up to your level

Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.

What do you call Chewbacca when you have chocolate stuck in your hair?
chocolate chip wookiee.

It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.

What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!

Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!

You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!

You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!

They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!

Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!

Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!

(Fiazio)

Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.

A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.

I almost had a predicament trying to call someone in the same room as me. It was a close call.

Which is the bar downtown that soccer players hate striking on? Crossbar.

Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.

What did the giant say after he ate Fiji?
- I want Samoa!

If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?