Q: What's a tornado's favorite game?
A: Twister
What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
What did the ponies do when it was raining? Stay ind-horse.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
Is there a magnet in here because I'm really attracted to You.
Afraid he wouldn’t get into college the skeleton spent the weekend boning up on algebra.
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
You snow the drill.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
What does bread say to a friend after doing them a favor?
It’s the yeast I could do.
What do you call a bee trying to make up its mind?
A maybee
"You deserve better and so do I."
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
I told the artist that his painting was terrible. I think he got the picture.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
Ireland is pitcher perfect.
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
You and the sun have one thing in common. You are both radiant.
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
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Why did the telecommuter quit her job? Because talk is cheap.
Did you hear about the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado? It was an udder disaster!
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
What to spiders eat in Paris?
French flies.
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution
I knew a guy who gave away his art but he only seemed to paint ducks with incomplete faces.
I asked about it once and he said "I like to bill them later."
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
---
You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
What do you get when you cross a pickle with an alligator?
A crocodill.
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
Permission to board?
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
I want to start a deer breeding business…
But first, I’m gonna need about 5,000 bucks.
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Beaver Y.
Beaver Y. who?
Bea-ver-y quiet, you are in a library.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!
What do you call a month’s worth of rain?
England.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.