I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.
Which is the fanciest onion? A cocktail onion.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
I asked the librarian for the new book on erectile dysfunction.
She typed on her keyboard and said "It's not coming up!"
I said "Yeah, that's the one!!"
What do you call a Grizzly at a nude beach?
Bear Naked.
I like your tight end
What did the dog say to its fleas?
Stop bugging me
Is that a candy cane in your pocket, or are you just struggling to contain your excite-mint?
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.
Love is also like a pineapple: They both are undefinable and sweet.
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
What does a magician penguin say?
“Pick a cod, any cod…”
When she saw all the madness around her, March said, “what’s all that bracket”.
In life, the rule of thumb is, don’t bite more than you can chew unless it is chocolate.
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
I'd drink your bathwater.
A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.
She is sadly mist.
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
Why did the dolphin blush?
Because it saw the ocean’s bottom!
What do you call a kangaroo in Africa?
Lost.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
Why was the mummy added to the game as a pinch hitter?
Because the manager knew he could wrap it up.
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
I'm not gay but I'll learn.
If you were a vegetable you'd be a cutecumber.
I hate when I have to stop scuba diving
If makes me deep-pressed
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
What is a car’s favourite job?
Caretaker.
Your Zygomaticus Major is the best thing that I have witnessed.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There were players on the other side.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
Is it true that a dinosaur won't attack if you hold a tree branch? That depends on how fast you carry it!
"You'd better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart."
- Grey's Anatomy
Don't you dare hit that drum again!
If you do, there will be repercussions!
Eat, drink and be rosemary.