Get that red light ready, because you and I are about to score.
I like to write jokes down and store them on my phone, so that I can tell them to him later.
I call it my Dad-abase.
What do you call a zoo that has only giraffes in it?
Giraffic Park.
What do you call a flying elephant?
A jumbo jet.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice. Nothing he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.
What's an inmates favorite place to hangout? At the bars.
What do you get when you put a bomb in a dinosaur? Dino-mite.
How do bats tell their future?
They read their horrors-cope.
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter!
Whale, whale, whale…
If it isn’t a pod.
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
What did the lobsterman say when his crate turned up empty?
It a-piers we have a problem.
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
If you were an element you'd be francium because you're the most attractive.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
Summer should get a speeding ticket
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
Did you get your license suspended for driving so many guys crazy?
I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.
What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.
It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Annie
Annie who?
Annie one you like!
My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice
It was cold hard cash.
The insane amount of rainfall in Poland did not lead the river to flood, all was in Oder.
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.
What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.
What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Keyboard Factory?
He didn't put enough shifts in.
Don’t moss around.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
What do you can an owl who's been caught in the act?
A spotted owl.
When I read Philippians 4:8, I think about you.
What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea?
A monstrositea.
Knock Knock
Who’s there Justin Justin who? Justin time to make the donuts!
Once I tried to paint the sky but I blue it.
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
Why did the junkie adopt a one legged crow?
So he could get crow cane from his vet.
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.