My love for you is like no otter.
Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?
Rigor Mortissen
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
Why did the gorilla have to visit the vet?
He wasn't peeling well
What Do You Say To A One Legged Hitch Hiker
Hop In.
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
Cute dog! I just wanted to take this op-paw-tunity to say hi!
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
Forget about Spider man, Batman, or Superman. I’ll be your man.
What do you call dudes who love math?
Algebros.
Q. Which sweet dessert is banned from the menu at the Deer Cafe?
A. Chocolate Moose.
What is the definition of “moon”?
The past tense of “moo”.
Finally, the soccer ball decided to quit the team. The reason behind its move was that it was tied of being kicked around.
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
Why do mice have long tails?
Well, they’d look silly with long hair!
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
I was under the blues, so I had to blue my nose occasionally.
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?
Claw-strophobic
What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
"Month of May"
For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.
For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.
Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
Why do cherry trees smell?
Because George Washington cut one.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
What did the tree say to spring?
What a re-leaf!
You must have been born in Pearl Harbor, because baby you da bomb.
I've only got three months to live.
Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.
Are you glitter? Because you add sparkle to my life
Hit the hammer that judges have and says “worm court is in session”. Then says
“All writhe”
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
-
One thing you never want to do is divorce a butcher.
That would be a huge missed steak.
What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.
Girl, your really good at this catch and release thing. Every time I catch my breath around you, you make me lose it again.
Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.
There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.
There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.
As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.
Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!
(Ilene Bauer)